In This Moment

Last night after I came home from work and finished reading the latest issue of Men's Health I went to the bathroom and started to give birth. Halfway through the birthing ordeal I heard my father stumble out of his room coughing and vomiting.( my father has really bad acid reflux disease.) It sounded kind of bad. He was coughing and spitting, so I went to check on him. When I went around the corner he was naked. My first impulse was to go back around the corner and start gagging and ripping at my eyes, but I stayed there and asked if he was alright and if he wanted some water or something. He said no so I went back in my room and got to bed. Just then I was over come by a feeling of euphoria. Might be because I was just happy to get into bed. anyway, I started thinking about my father. I realized that I shouldn't hate him as much as I do sometimes, and I really should not dwell in the past. He made me do a few things that I never got over. (I'll explain those in a later entry. I assure you it is nothing perverted, just stupid.) Anyway, I thought he is just a person who has done his best to do "right" by me my entire life. In the moment that I saw him naked and coughing, spewing bile into a trash can, I realized he was just a person. He can feel vulnerable just like the rest of us. As much as I hate to admit it. I love my daddy.

Somehow that feeling got transferred to the world and I felt good.

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(sorry but this must be said.)

damn that guy is sexy.

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I felt completely good. All was well with the world, my world at that moment. why don't they make pills that give you that?

Sorry about the fine-guy break.

Twenty

I think I have found the solution to my problem. I need a man or a woman......a person, dammit. I am tired of being by myself. I'm able to handle being by myself but it is starting to get really old. I'm fed up, but I know why I can't seem to get anyone. I'm 18. That leaves my options for a relationship in high school. High school girls to be exact. Once again I'm 18. That leaves more options with males in their twenties. This I can handle. The problem is I don't like high school girls, and I'm trapped in this little dead end town of idiots. All the good gay men are not here. They are far away. I'm not sure where, but if I could get on a real college campus I might be able to locate a concentration of them. If I could do that I might be able to live a little more. Okay, I would live a looooooottttttttt more. Not saying I would be a freak but about three steps behind that. But, I'm here surrounded by the gay guys Iknow about who don't know about me. It's actually funny. Trevis goes out, like the Lycos dog, and gets the names of random people that I went to high school with who are gay and tells me. I hate to say it but sometimes I exploit him for the information he can give. I would never act on the information but it is still so nice to have it.

Maybe

I think I might be a little strange. While I was explaining my dream to Amanda and Gina I came to the conclusion that something must be wrong with me. I have never had an actual sex dream where I was getting some and enjoying it. Actually, as much as I like sex, I dread the actual act. The thought of giving that much of myself to some on seems horrifying. That might be weird. I don't know but I know i like sex. A lot. But I just don't want to do it that much. Maybe this is a sign. Some pleasures may not be right for me.

Maybe

Dreaming

Up until recently I was doing a good job of not thinking about Tyrone. We, Tyrone and myself, have a sort of history. We go back about three years now and from the moment I met him I have been crazy about him. I'm not sure if he always knew that, but I did.

Last night my friend Kristina came to blockbuster to visit me. Let me say now i was simply ecstatic.....well maybe more like pleased. I was very happy to see her. anyway she took me to get something to eat. she told me that she had just come from the hospital and her grandmother will probably die within a month.

She seems to be taking it well: far better than I would in a situation like that. I did not know how to comfort her or if I should even try. She eventually stated that she did not want to talk about it anymore. I'm still worried about her though. She is a very special girl.

Eventually she managed to get to the subject of Tyrone. She asked me if I really hated Tyrone.( You see Tyrone told me That he did not want to talk to me anymore. I guess I told her that I hated him now) Anyway i thought about it. I don't hate him. Never have never will. Sure he pisses me off whenever i get near him for to long but I think I love him. That is scary to me. I don't exactly like to do the love thing.

Anyway we stopped talking about that. Then she took me back to blockbuster and we talked in the parking lot for about forty-five minutes. Just like old times at McDonald's. Anyway we parted company and went home. Apparently Kristina's question's about Tyrone jarred loose a few bricks in the wall that I've built to deal with him. I had the most bizarre dream and he was at the center of it.

In the dream, I was standing in a big room talking on the phone. My little sister came in and told me that there was a guy at the door for me. Well I went to the door and no one was there. Then I heard someone call my name from my parents bedroom. I went in there and there he was. I told him I missed him and went to give him a hug. Just then my parents pulled up. I went out of their room thinking he would follow me but he did not. He hid under some pillows. I tried to bye him some time so he could go to my room without being seen. Then my father was talking to me and his stomach was pressing against my penis.( yes that is the weirdest part of the entire dream. ewwwww.) Well by the time my father stopped talking to me my mother had gone into her room an was making her bed up. Tyrone comes out from under the pillows and tries to make it out of the room. My mother starts screaming, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HERE?" Then I try to walk him to the door and give him a hug before leaving and my mother sees us and starts screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" (You see my family doesn't know about me. That is probably for the best right now anyway.) While I'm hugging Tyrone I think i had an orgasm. (that was funny)

Anyway, I don't enjoy dreaming about Tyrone. I love him but he has decided that he wants no part of me so I'm not going to beat myself up thinking about him.

by the way. Thank you Kristina.

College

I think it is safe to assume that I'm in hell. It is so difficult to get any information off the Internet. I just want to get out of Moss Point! Is that asking to much? No..... I know what the problem is. I must shoot higher. YES! I shall escape this prison. I shall boldly go into the world and take over all that I want everything that I have wanted I shall do my best to have. But the small things are easiest to do.

List of things to get during my world takeover:

1. One white cat and one black cat

2. Large gutted out old factory( preferably from the industrial revolution)

3. One Viper. Preferably Indigo colored.

4. All the money I see.

5. One large yacht. With parents on it. Circling Antarctica.

6. Chihuahua mixed(naturally)_ with a Great Dane. No genetic engineering. All natural. hehe

7. The original copy of Salvador Dali's "the tempting of St. Paul"

I think that will do it.

Wait.

8. One fine ass boyfriend

9. One fine ass girlfriend.

That should do for now.

I Love This

This is so much fun. Who knew that having a child scream things at you from some far off place could be so amusing. Wow. I wish this would never stop. It is so funny. Shot~2~hell. You have truly made my day...week for that matter. Thank you you're sweet.

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By the way kids. I've been thinking the title of my diary kind of sucks. It would be nice if someone( who isn't hateful or upset) would give me some suggestions.

Then I'll probably start pretending you, the world, doesn't exist.

Ashamed

I did a bad thing. I allow myself to be taken over by my emotions.

I stooped to the level of a thirteen year old.

I feel bad. I refuse to ever let that happen again. I am going to let myself be angered like that again. So sad.

Annoyed

Why do some people always feel the need to stand on a soap box and declare how much they don't like stuff? You know the worst is when they get upset about criticism. How can you be upset when you put your thoughts or whatever in a public forum? You put all your crap on display and then get upset when someone casually points out a pattern.

This has been the case with a certain individual. I told him that his diary was basically a " I hate this and that list". I did not just sit down and look one time and see that. This guy whines like a fucking baby. It is really annoying. He then took it upon himself to try to call me out like I would be hurt by that. Then some little heifer backed him up by calling me a fascist.( I can't help it if I know what is best for the world. LOL) I can't say I'm upset. But you have to expect opinions to be thrown back at you when you throw yours.

but you should probably see this diary for yourself.

it is called: welcome to my hell by: Shot~2~Hell

Go take a look. Tell him what you think. Be "nice