Picture this

Thursday. The most hectic day of my week. I have two wonderful yet insanely energetic kids classes. In one of those classes is K-chan. She has not come to my class in almost two months. There is something that stops her.
This thursday we have a breakthrough. It is discovered, after weeks of constant prodding, that the reason for K-chan's absence and repeated crying in the lobby is me. (Surprised?)
It would seem that in one class many weeks ago I didn't realize that K-chan had her hand raised to answer a question. Apparently I hurt her little 8 year old soul.
So what does my director asks me to do?

Apologize. To an 8 year old. For not realizing she had her hand raised.

Of course I stared at the director, but since I like her I agreed to be a team player and talk, not apologize, to K-chan. My director then leads me to K-chan. She is sitting in a little room all curled up on a chair hiding her face. While I stand there the director starts talking to K-chan, and then K-chan starts to get hysterical.

Naturally my belt started to feel a bit oppressive around my waist, but sheer disbelief prevents me from freeing it and doing that other function that it was designed to do.

K-chan eventually kicks pass the director and runs out the door. Out the building. Around the corner and into the train station. During this flight she never stopped screaming and crying. Well at least she screamed anf cried as far as I could see.

The director was surprised. Her mother seemed less than shocked. I wanted to chase down a child and explain in my best This-shit-is-gonna-stop-today voice that she is too damn old to be throwing any kind of tantrum because someone, me, failed to be perfect and not pick out your hand in room of screaming 7 and 8 year olds, but, alas, I don't run after other people's kids unless they are running into traffic. Their are no cars in the train station so I figured she was safe.

Well the pedophiles might get her, but at this point I don't care.

Her little brother has gotten the hang of how I do shit, but she just doesn't want to get on board.

K-chan might be a lost cause, but my director just doesn't want to believe it.

The world is full of questions. None more pressing than the questions that we find we find posed to ourselves... by ourselves.



Today I have a question: Do I really need love?



Right away the answer, to me, seems quite obvious.

No.

I don't need it and it doesn't need me. I am quite content as of late to carry on in my own haphazard way fucking my life up step by step without worrying about the needs and feelings of another person.

I realize that right away.

But I am puzzled by the feeling of peace I feel when I find myself laying with Jun. He frustrates me. To no end. Just today I found myself arguing with him about the mindset of American people. I think he, along with a goodish amount of the rest of the world, feels a little put off by America. One might say he even hates America and that along with whatever baggage he may already have is clouding... affecting his feelings about me.

That doesn't bother me really. Actually it does.

I have become quite accustomed to the fact that many people will think lowly of me because of my country of origin.

What I can't seem to become accustomed to is my apparent need... for someone... for him.

Have I become so enamored with the concept of love that I am willing to accept and want someone who makes me feel so confused at times? Today after he snaked out of me the fact that i like him he kissed me. It was the most passionate kiss I've felt in a long time.

Actually it was wonderful.

I have in the past mocked those people who seemed to be sniffing out love. With their noses permanently to the path where potential love has already tread. Those people often make me think of dogs. I think I have become one of them.

Why must I be acquainted with a crazy Japanese guy?

How did this happen?

Why can't I break away from him?

Oh yeah! Cause I like him a little bit, but I'm doing all I can to suppress that emotion. Actually emotion suppression is pretty easy for me. I'm gay. On an almost daily basis I meet men that are perfect in every way.
They look perfect. (This is not the most important thing but it ranks high on my list. I'm just being honest.)
They are intelligent.
They have great imagination.
They are fun to be around.
They have money. (Also not the most important thing, but I have a history of being broke. If my man can bail me out or at least buy me that wonderful, new, totally unneeded doo-dad in the window I'm happy.)

But these perfect men are almost always straight. I usually end up becoming friends with them and loving them or being insanely attracted to them from a distance. I stand in friend territory and know that I can go no further. There is one guy right now who is just gorgeous, and so much fun, and his ass just makes me want to scream. Oh! His eyes are the most incredible blue. Like Santa Claus or something. I am avoiding becoming his friend because I don't want him to catch me staring deep into his ass or spacing out in his eyes.

Anyway, I can suppress my emotions easily, but Jun just called me, drunk, and has obviously abandoned his ability to suppress his or maintain his good sense. Basically he wants to sow his wild oats. He has feelings for me that he would like to ignore, but he wants to go out and meet people. I understand this... even though I'm not sure I like being viewed as the settle down type. You know like the reasonable girl you get after you done gone and got all the hoes you can find. I wasn't really all that bothered to her him kinda slurring all that out, but then he went and asked me to wait for him.

He wants me to wait until he has gone and sowed his oats. I don't argue with drunk people. So I just agreed, but in my mind I'm like, "What the hell do you think you are bringing that is so fucking wonderful that I will wait for you?" Nothing. He brings nothing except dependable dick. (It is nice.)

He has a great bit of nerve. He keeps saying he wants to get married to a girl. He is so mixed up. I don't know what to do with him. Or about him.

I know what I should do.

Now I'm mixed up.

I hate/love men.

Farewell Lucky

Yesterday I got a message from my parents on my phone. Actually it wasn't a message. They called me while I was at work. That by itself isn't that strange. When ever they call me I am usually in a compromising position and have to just call them back.

What made this call strange was that I had talked to them like 3 days earlier. My parents won't call me unless I don't call for two weeks.

So when I returned their call I was expecting bad news and they delivered. After roughly 4 days of crying in pain my dog, Lucky, died. During the night and by himself.

I'm not sad really. Just a little angry. As far back as we have had Lucky I never remember him crying out. He would never whine or yelp. Just bark. So I just don't know why my parents didn't register him crying out in pain for a few days as a sign of something being wrong.

He is dead now. So what can I do?

Peace out Lucky. I hope you get to run for ever in doggy Heaven.

Lucky really liked to run.

Classic

I was coming back from a class with Ms. Grinch when suddenly our path was obstructed. By what, you ask? A 19th century feudal army, having traveled back through time? A large oxen? Jenny McCarthy's disembodied fake tits? No, something far more absurd. At least twenty Japanese boys, laying on the floor, all of them spooning one another. Some of them, I guess unable to find a spooning partner, were just kicking back on top of the whole pile.

Ms. Grinch turns to me. "Well. This is quite gay, isn't it?"

FUCKIN'A, I'M GLAD *SOMEONE* FINALLY SAID IT!

Many of us Gaijin Teachers are initially surprised by how...touchy-feely Japanese boys are with one another. Granted, I am American, so I may not have the best perspective on the matter. In America, any male-to-male contact that is not in the context of fighting, a high-five/ass slap during a sports game, or a drunken "I love you man!" NO HOMO HUG, is gay. So I dunno, maybe it's the American background coming into play here, but I'm just not used to seeing boys sit on each others laps, hold hands, grab each others penises, and especially, over twenty of them spooning in the middle of Brokeback Hallway.

...And I'm from San Francisco!

Yet, we Gaijin Teachers seem to be the only ones weirded out by it. Other Japanese teachers will just be like "Oh, boys..." and never think about it again. So I felt justified to finally have ONE Japanese teacher finally acknowledge how frickin weird this is, even if it was Ms. Grinch.

Ms. Grinch brings her concerns to the boys.

Ms. G: Well. This is rather gay of you.

Boy 1: What? What's gay?

Ms. G: All of you sitting here like this.

Boy 2: This isn't gay!

Boy 3: We're just relaxing in between class.

Boy 1: We all get along really well.

Boy 4: Why do you want to destroy such beautiful friendships.

Ms. G: ...Whatever. Gay. At least get out of the way.

Boy 1: We don't wanna move.

Boy 2: Yeah, it's nice here.

Boy 3: You just wish you could be lying in a hallway full of boys, don't you?

Ms. Grinch gives me one of those "Oy vey" looks, and says "I guess we have no choice but to step over them." Almost merrily, she says "Over the Gay!" as she takes a mighty step over the boy pile. I too had to step over the boys, minus any flowery words regarding it. As we were heading back to the teachers room, Ms. Grinch turns to me again. "I'm sorry about that, Japanese boys can be quite...peculiar."
...Sister, you don't know the half of it.

From GaijinSmash

Am I Lame?/Stay away from monkeys.

First and foremost giving honor to God. I just want to say that should anyone actually answer that rhetorical question they will burst into flames and if for some reasons you manage to live through that first signal flare rest assured that I will be waiting for you in the parking lot after your burns heal.

Anyway, I have endeavored the fine, lonely Saturday evening to drink an entire bottle of wine. Alone.

That statement alone is grounds for a clear declaration of lameness, but, as Semisweet and Peanut already know, it can get so much worse.

I recently had sex with a girl. I know. I know. It sounds like some kind of horrible joke, and normally it would be. But here I stand... sit before you testifying that it is the truth. I'm still gay. Don't get it twisted, but I just want to go on the record as saying that 5 beers and a homely white girl can make any man slip outside of himself for a moment.

Yes it started with alcohol, and, yes, I am drinking alcohol right now. This time though I am alone. Which makes me drinking seem like supremely sad. But that is a subject for another day.

It was a Thursday. It started out like any other. She, that Jezebel, and I made our mad dash for the train like always. We had as of late grown incredibly comfortable in each other's presence. I often would strip down to my underwear with her in the room. I was changing clothes and she was a girl. I mean I never thought about what could happen.

Well on Thursday we ended our shift at work around the same time and rode back to the city together. We stopped on our way home at this nice little chicken place called Yama-chan. Yama-chan is a fucking Nagoya tradition. The bitches specialize in some spicy ass chicken wings. (just makes me clap insanely inside.) Those fucking wings were good. Even though with my food selection, as I've been doing lately, was a wee bit healthier than hers. I opted for for spicy bean sprouts and a dish of yaki-udon while she, that Succubus, got deep fried chicken and some other thing that I couldn't bear to watch her eat.

It sounds like she disgust me doesn't it. Well at the time she didn't, but post her forcing herself on me.... I just don't know. The world seems different. Every woman seems like a predator. A filthy stinky wanting only to suck your soul in predator. But I digress.

While eating our meals I decided to start sucking away on my beer. I occasionally get a little alcohol. This wine I'm drinking now was a gift. A birthday present from Jun and Tetsuo. (If you don't know Tetsuo go to my Flickr page and look at him. I honestly don't have to much info on him myself. I only met him at my birthday party.) It is really shitty wine too. When people drink wine on TV they look like they are lost in the arms of passion. I'm just struggling to get this bitter shit to stay down. Why drink it you ask?

For the feeling. Why do anything if not for the feeling? Anything done after drinking alcohol counts as futile action because your senses are dulled. So you can't enjoy the feeling. Which is exactly what happened when I was attacked. I was dull and not of my right mind.

She kept me up for hours. Talking about nothing. Her lame and slightly suspect opinions of organized religion, her inability to be in control of her emotions or, while we're on it, herself. I don't count that as a problem. I've told her that. Every thing that she does is the result of a conscious decision by her. no ball rolls in your life unless you push it. That is how I feel. She is constantly rolling balls left and right and calling them crushes. "Oh, I think he is so cute. his collarbones just turn me on." Yes, collarbones. Oi!

After hours of her talking about nonsense the conversation drifted, as is the way of any conversation involving a drunk man, towards the topic of sex. She knows I am gay and we talked about it. Positions I like. Positions she should try. Naturally I got a little hot. I can't imagine dick flying around me without my body believing it to be true. I was horny and it showed. Then the conversation took a turn that I don't really remember well enough to follow.

She said something about needing dick and then I said I would dick her for a fee and she was like I'm not paying and I was like well since you're a friend I'll give you the first hit for free and then she was like OK.

The next thing I know I have a condom on and she is rubbing lube on my dick because I am apparently bigger than what she is used to. Then she guided me in and I felt nothing. Actually I felt intense warmth, but nothing else.
The bulb.
The Explosion.
The Moment of Intense Clarity.
Nirvana.
God.
I saw none of these things. Instead all I saw was a girl who I like only as a friend and not even a really close friend groaning because my dick was buried deep in her. As I thrust ( you are supposed to do that, right?) into her the alcohol haze in my head cleared a bit and I thought, with a giggle, that this child does not possess that ability that some people suggest women have. The power to turn a gay man straight. To make me realize the errors of wanting dick.

"All you need is to find the right woman to put it ON YAH!"

I guess she, that girl from Ring, is not one of those "right" women.

After fully realizing what I was in the process of doing my erection wilted. Rather quickly and we called the thing off. We have both declared it a one time only occasion. I think I was a bad lay. At any rate I think that my little run in with pussy has made me more than a little certain that I am gay. So gay. So gay that even being buried in pussy I could not feel happy. I couldn't even visualize a hot guy.

I was so repulsed. I'm not saying women are disgusting. I'm just saying I don't want their disgusting vagina on me. I was so weirded out by the whole thing that I slowly in a way that would not hurt her, that Aphrodite wannabe, or make her feel that she was the disgusting one. I actually think she may have been. My dick was itchy like immediately afterward. So the shower was a bit of an imperative.



Damn blog writing sure makes it hard to drink at a proper rate. I'm gonna go finish this bottle.

Stay away from those monkeys.

Would you...

...call this a strange night? I am sitting in my room trying to remain as quiet as possible out of respect for my roommate who is currently holed up in her room doing some ritual to make her life easier. Like a spiritual booster or something.

Yes. She is in her room practicing witch craft. Luckily I know enough about witch craft to know that it is connected for the most part to nature and shit. Hence her doing this during the blue moon or something. She's been announcing the coming moon all week.

I really don't know what type of witch craft she is practicing. But is it strange that I live with a witch?

How do these people find me?




...call me a pervert for lusting after a 16 year old boy? I have a student who was sitting in a room full of college aged people. He is cute. Really cute. I was quizzing them all about their lives and asked what clubs does he go to. He paused for like 3 minutes. Literally minutes and then just gave me this "what are you talking about sensei sir?" look. Eventually he said he can't go to clubs. In my head I'm like have you been banned, but my better judgement made me ask his age. 16. SIXTEEN!!! I was so surprised. Being the good closet puritan that I am I immediately squashed that feeling I was feeling in my loins.

After his age declaration I treated him as I should have the entire time: like a kid.


...kindly explain why I am dead tired, but insisting upon fighting sleep?