no focus

Dear God,


Blah blah blah something. I've always wanted to start an entry this way. Writing as though I were consulting God. Even if I don't really believe in any one religions stance on God. I should start all my entries like this:

Dear you or ya'll,

I like that.

Anyway its kinda late. About 12:35 to be exact. Yep, I'm staying up late and writing this entry with a sheet over my head so my parents can't see me. yeah bitches i'm bold! It is officially two days until I leave and I have nothing done. Nothing. No clothes packed. No decisions made. No final instructions given to my family. Nothing. I want to chicken out. I want to call that bastard who recruited me and say, "Hey! This shit ain't gon' work!"

Ja-fucking-pan. What the hell am I thinking. I'm not ready for this. I don't know how to speak. I don't even have faith in my abilty to teach english. Sure my job is to simply tell them how to speak and I'm sure I can do that. That much should be easy, but if any one asks me about the finer parts of sentence structure I will fix them with my best deer in the headlights stare. I never learned that crap. I declared it useless the moment my teachers started trying to bang it into my head and truly it is useless. Who worries about conjunctions when writing a paper? I don't. I learned to write by reading. Of course, after looking at my writing here that doesn't appear to be saying much. I assure you though, I am a good writer. But I digress. Who cares about grammar? I don't and I never will. I learn by doing. Not doing willy nilly. I need structure but I don't need concrete rules that make no sense to be the structure by which my learning is directed.

hmmm, am i talking myself into going. cause i really feel like I can handle it now.


I haven't packed a thing. Did I mention that? My room looks like a junkyard.