When Should I Leave

I think I should move out my parents house. I really love them but i feel like they are purposely choking the life out of me. I just want to go out sometime and not have a curfew slapped on me. I only go out once a week any way.

this is what I'm thinking. I have been all but visualizing myself living away from my parents. I think I should leave. Why can't i say what I mean!!!

disregard this entry. My brain has dripped on the floor again.SHIT!

Damn Withdrawal

i think that I am seriously broken. I so miss McDonald's. I miss the nice people. Some of the guys. Okay one of the guys but I'll get over it.

I work for blockbuster now. I just don't feel like learning the stuff. I kept dozing off in orientation. But that damn movie was so boring and the actors, who all worked for Blockbuster, were so stupid that I actually started to feel insulted.

They got me driving 52 miles round trip just to go get training. If some of those guys at that damn place were kinda cute I would act a damn fool.

okay different thought.

Have you ever just ran into a point in your life were you felt it was absolutely necessary for you to increase your vocabulary or actually use the one that's at your disposal. Some people may call that just trying to sound smart. I think they are right. I, right now, want to sound as smart as I know I am. I'm not tooting my own horn but I just want to be taken seriously sometimes. I always seem to be taken for a joke by some of the people who know me. That really pisses me off. I'm really getting pissed off right now because I can all but feel something blocking my brain. I can't think right. I can't ever articulate just what it is i want to say, and when I finally do say whatever it is I want to say the way I want to say it people just stare at me. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by loud-mouth, stoned, glassy eyed, drunken idiots, and the feeling is so fucking stifling. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I HAVE to leave the room quickly.

Maybe I'm just stuck up. But I really don't want to feel that way. I just don't want to feel stupid or be surrounded by "stupid" people. Even though there are no truly people and the idea of and average person is a little obscene. I just want people around me who have a desire to learn something new or just like to discuss their thoughts. Hell! If they have there own theories like my friend Kristina i absolutely fall in love with them. Maybe that's wrong.

At Long Last

Sunday October 13, 2000 I worked my last day at McDonald's. I have freed myself from the workings of a horrible conglomerate. I have washed my hands of hungry people and their starving children. I AM FREE I will try to never return to McDonald's again and if I must I will return in a different capacity then when I left. McDonald's holds some of my greatest memories. I had an opportunity to get drunk because I worked there. I smoked pot because I worked there. I was exposed to some of the saddest people that I've ever known and loved because I've worked there. I have fallen in love countless times because I have worked there. For these reason, I don't think McDonald's is the devils work but a sick amalgamation of the devil and Ronald McDonald. I'll miss my days there. I'll miss our discussion on bigamy and all its true merits. I'll miss feeling Michael's balls in the palm of my hand as he gasps in shock. Au revoir, my friends

I Still Got It

Once, about three months ago.(hold on)

I just realized that I have never gotten the point of going into lengthy introductions. Why be formal if you are just going to assume no one is ever going to read what you write. Why try to satisfy a reader or anyone for that matter. My comp. 1 teacher says you should always be aware of your audience, but how is your audience ever to know you if you insist on conforming to their wishes. I'm sure that Dickens read just like a normal book in his day because he remained true to what bothered him, but now, we must bend over backwards and relearn our vocabulary to even get a sense of what he meant. All good writers accept that their audience will die out and in doing so make themselves immortal.

Anyway back to my little vision on top of the bridge. One day about three months ago I was a little depressed. Okay a lot depressed but I hate to admit such things to myself. As I was driving over this bridge to get to my job McDonald's I suddenly thought about the greatest thought, the greatest act. Destruction. don't know why. I just thought it. I figure now that in destruction or in the coming of possible destruction we do our greatest works. just look at the Greeks. They beat the Persian army all those years ago. 6000 to 200000. that is a feat to be seen and then feared. Destruction is one of the greatest motivators. Anyway, immediately after my little thought I just heard some voice ...I imagine it to be an Australian man who has spent the majority of his life in England and has now found himself sitting at a little sticky table in IHOP. At the top of his lungs he proclaims, "Is this what you Americans call BUTTER!!?" Of course he's looking down at a stack of pancakes with this little dome looking mound of a yellow heart attack and he is truly disgusted.

Why I thought that, I don't know . Immediately upon reaching McDonald's I told all my co-workers the complete gist of my thought and was promptly told that I am a fool. A complete fool. And they wished me to calm down. You see my depression was over. I knew again that I was still spontaneous and original. And that my mind lacked any sense of organization. In short I was still me. I had not allowed my attempts to protect myself from the words of my classmates had not destroyed the part of me that I loved and cherished most. my Imagination. even though it tends to scare others I still loved it. It always gives me something to say. It always helps me see the angles that other people miss for whatever reason. My imagination. My one true treasure in the world.

Of course I slept good that night and had the greatest day when I woke up.

Standard Issue

I realize now that there has to ba a standard issue sense of humor. Or I could start a standard by giving out examples of my humor to random people. You see I just got through having a conversation with the most interesting people in the world.

And, as always the conversation eventually ended up being me and the wacky things that I do and how I am so bizarre. Even thoiugh I am singularly the most tame person you will probaly ever meet.

Sure,as they pointed out, I have a slight tendency to choke people. I'm sorry that is all you can expect from me. What they don't know is that I just want an excuse to be close to someone. No one ever hugs me it seems like. But I do some things that just seem bizarre. And whenever a group of people who know me get together they always seem to end up comparing war stories or something. I think that for that reason i should get some trading cards started.

Oh yeah, my friends Scot T. And Scott J. came over. eventually the conversationed degenerated into Scot T. proclaiming himself to be gay while Scott J. looked on uncomfortably. My friends Amanda and Traci were there along with a group of assorted strangers who just found it necessary to wonder out of there classes to come and see what the hell we were talking about. Then they too seemed ujncomfortable but somehow mesmerized by wha we were talking about. I think its just something about Scot T. He just has a way of drawing people to him and just holding there attention. I admit it I think he is a beautiful person. No, not just gentle on the eyes but beautiful as a whole. If I never saw him I would still enjoy his company. Sadly though, he is not gay. He proclaimed that he would never take it up the ass and he would "drag his teeth." I promise you I did not teach him that term.

Oh yeah, while he was making himself known. I was forced to be his little puppet so as to make his story more believable. I'm not out so I took it upon myself to appear as uncomfortable as is possible.....but I did like it when he touched me. That's just because I like people touching me.....it being Scot was just a bonus.

well I have to go to class. BYe

leech

You know by the time most people realize that they are a leech it is normally to late to do anything about it. You see the people who have been getting you by the leech are so used to the annoying prescence of the leech that they are actually shocked and offendee when the leech relizes that they have been a leech and decides to no longer be the leech. When the leech decides to live in its on its victims are left feeling alone because they no longer have the leech to thump around.

I have not the slightest idea where this is going.

History of the Week

We will start today not with introductions as to who I am and what prompted me to write this thing but we will start simply with the events that led up to this day.

Friday 8/11/00

I was thrown forcibly into a small space on wheels.....a car for those of you less educated. Anyway I was driven to Birmingham, Alabama. Family Reunion. that what they called it. I call it it unorganized child care. I have never seen so many little demons running around my feet.

of course I was horrified. children are not natural in my opinion. not that it matters people still have them. In my family they usually have them in bunches of five. yuck.!?

this type of disgust and annoyance with children went on till Sunday until my family suddenly decided to travel back to hell(that's my town .. Moss Point) anyway. We made it back in a reasonable time. that is uh right in time for me to get out the car get in my car and go to work for the remainder of the day and be cursed at by horrible people and their retarded children.

OK!

I know the kids ain't retarded most of the time but their mamas and papas are. Of course I work at McDonalds. Yes I know it is the true pinnacle of all that is right and wrong in the world. I'll explain that later but let me continue the week.

Monday I talked to my best friend on the phone and agreed to come over to her school and see her. That went well with the exception of me nearly passing out on the road from exhaustion. My EX-boyfriend kept me up on the phone till about 2:30 in the freaking morning. Anyway I went over we smiled ate some Chinese I got some gas she got some sleep. then i left and went home.

Of course that night ...! wait! WAIT I 'm so ahead of myself You don't know what day it is.

It is Tuesday when the trip takes place

okay on the phone I tell him that I went and saw Christina an he stops and thinks for a couple of seconds. During this I waiting thinking to myself "Oh gawd...he about to blow up at me about something " you see he always grows really silent before he gets pissed. Anyway he asks why I didn't take him . I replied I just didn't think about it.

the conversation is a little boring so I recount the high points.

he says why did you visit her in mobile but never visited me when I was living there. I said I don't know. Then He replied I don't know why I put up with you. then I replied with silence( my usual response to his verbal assaults because I know that his anger would flare out of control) any way he called me rude cruel inconsiderate selfish and then he hung up.

Of course i was pissed but i went to sleep and dreamed about girls?

now what day is it

Wednesday 8/16/00

He calle my house about 10am . I said i was busy and told him I would call him back. Of course beng the honest person i am I called him back.

I started the conversation with one question Is he still mad about the prvious night and he started by saying yeah and some more crap that I just don't feel like reliving all that's important is that he tried to make it seem all my fault so i replied calmly that i call him later when I felt like it.

That was wednesday and now it's friday and i am so fucking bored that it hurts me. But i will be very strong cause I'm going to make a point with this my loudest silence. I will not be steped on by some misquito infected son of a bitch just becuase he feels his old anger entitles him to be a bitch to me.

that my dear friends is the historyoftheweek

Maybe I will tell you something about me nexttime.....yeah maybe.