ah

Oh Gawd! I just want to let the world know that any god who would allow the human body to have such low tolerance for pain must have been really upset. He probaly was so mad that we came out ugly so he would punish us with pain. And oh....humans are so good at incourring pain to themselves. But this time it wasn't my fault. My body just started to turn traitor on me Sunday and i have not been able to stop it. I say hemmrhoid the parents say constipation in any case I slept about twpo hours last night and remained perfectly still( for fear of bringing further pain) the rest of the night. Lying still does not work by the way. You have thousands of muscle that never come entirely to a state of rest.

ouch

now if I were to take this time to say that I hate school someone would probably interpret that as me being unmotivated. If only that were true.(sigh) You see, with me, I manage to get some type of illness just in time for school to get started or school gets started just in time to make me sick.

It really sucks. School does.

Anyway I have this problem that I should probably go see a doctor about but I know *very determined* That I can get rid of it my self. (I hate doctors. They are the devils prophets....that's why they get paid so much.)

anyway. I am avoiding class because I am scared I will throw up or start screaming in pain. I will give it about a week before I tell the parents.

how sweet

Now that class is what i call disquieting. I think my house may have beat me to one of my goals in life, getting a tatoo. Yep, I think it did there is this incredibly cute little lizard design on the ceiling right above the computer. It looks so real, so life like right up to the scales and stripes........Oh shit it is real. It jumped of the ceiling onto the wall and is scurrying away. How sweet.

Anyway.

the last time I spoke up I said i was going to confront Tyrone. Well you know what it did not go quite as I planned.

You see I stalled with myself trying to find different reasons why i could not call him. Anything you can think of I probaly did so I'll leave that to you.

Anyway he called me the next day to tell me he was through with my book. I could hear how much he wantd to me to say something mean spiteful or just say that I was upset. So being the complete wimp that I am I hesitated and broke ointo my normal mode of conversation completly abandoning any thogh of being upset until time when I though I might achieve the upper hand. Well Its been about three days and he still takes me seriously.

He often proclaims "you don't get he point!" then he'll break of into some arguement that s more of a sermon about how His theory on this or that is right but he's nice enough not o state mine to be wrong but its not difficult to read between the lines. (That was the longest run on sentence in my history.)

Anyway he's suddenly going through this I hate myself stage and the only thing that will bring me out of it is sex. Normally I love sex but he has suddenly turned his eye on me and i will not have him in that way. I'm scared but I think that affirmation is adding to his grief.

why

why is it that things that would normally seem trivial matters when observed in other people's lives but when the same incident takes place in your life it takes on a new typ of magnitude.

Recently(well today) I came to the conclusion that I must abandon my silence and confront Tyrone about why it bothers me so much when he throws insults at me and uses the past to further strengthen his attacks on me.

I'm so scared. I don't know why I'm afraid of him. He just had the greatest impact on my life.(HA! that might be it.) He helped me to finally be comfortable with myself. I'm Bisexual and damn proud of it because of him. I used to be really quiet very depressed but he has helped me come into my on in a way. I know that it hurts him that I can't tell him tell him that I still love him for these things. BUt I don't think I can tolorate him any longer.

I have to tell him that I'm not the child he met before. I am an intelligent 18 yearold man with the ablity to live as myself without him or any one else. And for that reason I will not let him walk over me any more.!

History of the Week

We will start today not with introductions as to who I am and what prompted me to write this thing but we will start simply with the events that led up to this day.

Friday 8/11/00

I was thrown forcibly into a small space on wheels.....a car for those of you less educated. Anyway I was driven to Birmingham, Alabama. Family Reunion. that what they called it. I call it it unorganized child care. I have never seen so many little demons running around my feet.

of course I was horrified. children are not natural in my opinion. not that it matters people still have them. In my family they usually have them in bunches of five. yuck.!?

this type of disgust and annoyance with children went on till Sunday until my family suddenly decided to travel back to hell(that's my town .. Moss Point) anyway. We made it back in a reasonable time. that is uh right in time for me to get out the car get in my car and go to work for the remainder of the day and be cursed at by horrible people and their retarded children.

OK!

I know the kids ain't retarded most of the time but their mamas and papas are. Of course I work at McDonalds. Yes I know it is the true pinnacle of all that is right and wrong in the world. I'll explain that later but let me continue the week.

Monday I talked to my best friend on the phone and agreed to come over to her school and see her. That went well with the exception of me nearly passing out on the road from exhaustion. My EX-boyfriend kept me up on the phone till about 2:30 in the freaking morning. Anyway I went over we smiled ate some Chinese I got some gas she got some sleep. then i left and went home.

Of course that night ...! wait! WAIT I 'm so ahead of myself You don't know what day it is.

It is Tuesday when the trip takes place

okay on the phone I tell him that I went and saw Christina an he stops and thinks for a couple of seconds. During this I waiting thinking to myself "Oh gawd...he about to blow up at me about something " you see he always grows really silent before he gets pissed. Anyway he asks why I didn't take him . I replied I just didn't think about it.

the conversation is a little boring so I recount the high points.

he says why did you visit her in mobile but never visited me when I was living there. I said I don't know. Then He replied I don't know why I put up with you. then I replied with silence( my usual response to his verbal assaults because I know that his anger would flare out of control) any way he called me rude cruel inconsiderate selfish and then he hung up.

Of course i was pissed but i went to sleep and dreamed about girls?

now what day is it

Wednesday 8/16/00

He calle my house about 10am . I said i was busy and told him I would call him back. Of course beng the honest person i am I called him back.

I started the conversation with one question Is he still mad about the prvious night and he started by saying yeah and some more crap that I just don't feel like reliving all that's important is that he tried to make it seem all my fault so i replied calmly that i call him later when I felt like it.

That was wednesday and now it's friday and i am so fucking bored that it hurts me. But i will be very strong cause I'm going to make a point with this my loudest silence. I will not be steped on by some misquito infected son of a bitch just becuase he feels his old anger entitles him to be a bitch to me.

that my dear friends is the historyoftheweek

Maybe I will tell you something about me nexttime.....yeah maybe.