Today I'll Say

I don't write enough anymore. I think my ability to write at any random moment is tied into my ability to communicate with others. If i can get a word out to one of my friends, be it through the internet, telephone, or in person, I find that I won't have anything to write.

These things, online journals and blogs, are just places where I sound off. Places where i can pretend that i am standing in crowded room and giving a crappy lecture on the state of my life. In truth no one cares. At least I thought no one cared until my company, may they suddenly go bankrupt, went searching across the net for blogs by their workers.

I realize now that I bear a large bit of animosity towards the company. I know I said this before, but they took my kids from me. That is what I miss most about the job. I'm gay. It has taken me years to accept that and sometimes I find that I still have a considerable amount of fight left in me. So much so that I'll find myself toying with the idea of just surpressing myself and getting a family and being "normal." Sometimes I even find myself eying women who I think might fit into my planned normalcy. Occasionally I even begin to work torwards making my lan work. I approach the woman with my truly dreadful "D" game. I don't really have that much experience when it comes to enticing women and it shows whenever i approach one.

I never really push my little plans because i know that it would not be fair to the woman. A life built on only giving a portion of yourself to a person can't be right.

Wow. I'm way off point. What I was trying to say is that I may never have children and the company inall of their benovolence has taken my children from me. I know that they were not really my children, but for a brief, very brief time every day they were mine. Their parents trusted them to me for a short time and I was always so happy because of that. But now that is gone. Fuck the Company. Company A can kiss my ass.

The guy who fired me says that he was shocked at what he read and angry. I couldn't really get a real reply going because he just appeared out of the blue. Like realy out of the blue. At the end of the busiest day of the week for us he just appeared on the street dragging a large suitcase and looking extremely sweaty and flushed. Then he requests that I join him in a classroom and begins to reveal the case against me that the company has been building against me.

Honestly, I believe that he played a large role in firing me. he declared himself the head of the north-american teacher recruitment branch or some shit, so i'm certain that at some point the option to fire me or not was placed in his hands, and i believe that because of whatever personal convictions he holds he felt that simply calling me or emailing me about the content on the blog was not a reasonable course of action... maybe he felt that i betrayed the company or something for picking a semi public forum as the place where i let my thoughts fly... fuck him. fuck the company. I haven't been as pissed about this as I should be.

I've been obssessing myself with finding a fucking joband i'm tired now. The mutherfucker laughed at my fucking blog after he checked to see if I took the pictures of the kids down. You know I proabably would have been fine if he had not laughed. That shows that he does get the point that the blog is for fun only. nine out of ten things that i say on my blog never ever make it past my lips.

I hate the fucking company. I would name them here but for some reason I think they might still be looking at my fucking blog and if they are those bitches can kiss my ass. The guy who fired me suggested on behalf of the company that i just go home so i can "get some space on this." What the fuck is there to get space on. They tried to fuck my life up a bit. They did too. They conviced me to come accross the fucking ocean to a place where i don't speak the fucking language and at the first fucking sign of a problem they cut me loose. They didn't apporoach me and disclose what they thought the problem was. Oh no. That would have been too close to right. They just moved in to save their fucking face. You know the bitches had to actually search, do a special blog search, to find my blog. Bitches. The guy kept saying that he was only trying to protect the children.

That is the part that bothered me the most. It was like he was calling me some type of child molester or something. "I draw the line when it comes to kids." What the fuck was I gonna do to the kids, besides worry that they play too rough with each other, or be frightened that in a moment of excitement that moist booger perched just inside the entrance to their nose will fly out and hit me in the face, or worse yet ask them simple questions about the clubs they are in or ask them about their homework or something. Why the fuck would I want to hurt those kids? They were my fucking kids. The first group of kids that I could actually call mine and those sorry bitches just came in and brushed me away. One of my coworkers called me the other day and said that they still don't have a replacement teacher. They just had to spread my classes between the teachers there and hope for the best. He said the kids are asking about me. I'm trying to keep myself from asking about them. Cause it makes me angry to know that i can't be there to ask them myself.

I miss my kids so much.

It has been awhile. Almost a month since I sat down to write a real entry. I haven't had the time. I've been busy with work... and all that jazz. But, *sigh* , not anymore. I've been fired. Let go. Canned.

Why you ask. Because of my blog. I put some pictures of the kids up last week and of course had the things that I think about my coworkers here. My bosses found them and now I'm fired. With no warning, no bloody phone call. No nothing. I believe I have been made into a martyr. BITCHES.

I don't care though. Actually I do care. I put simply to much work into coming to this fucking country to be like "Oh shit. I'm fired. Well I guess I'll go home." That is what my ex-employer would like for me to do. I can't do that. I can't go back home. Before i came here the guy who recruited me would always say that taking this job was a big decision... something that you shouldn't take lightly. Well just cuz I got fired doesn't mean I'm gonna tuck my tail and run back to butt-fuck Mississippi. I can't do that. I'm gonna try here in Japan. That was my decision when I first came here. To make myself successful here and then go home. no amount of setbacks is gonna stop me from that.

Besides. It would hurt even more to go back. I really like what I do here. I like teaching English. I like kids. Its best for me. One thing that made me sad though was the simple fact that I lost my kids. When they fired me they took me children. I'm gay. That's a given. There is a chance that I may never have kids... ever. That should be a given too. Losing this job hurt most because I was worried about how the kids would take it. All of the time I put into them will seem wasted. Some of the kids will really miss me.

I had one kid who had started to give me hugs in class. Real hugs. Little kid hugs. Those are special. Little kids will hug anything if they're not afraid of it. That little kid giving me a hug made my day. He made my week, but now some bastard is gonna be getting my hugs... it just ain't right.

Anyway. I've started searching for jobs. I'm in crisis mode. I have two weeks until i send myself back to the states. I have to find a job to prevent that.

the world has become a series of lighted wires that sucks the life away from those connected.

solution?

there is none. One may find solace in paper but even then the wires will find you.

i have been fired.

rest easy world. rest easy.