There is a lot of more interesting things to ramble about but I feel it necessary to remark on whether or not I will build a prison for my self by making a resolution.
I know that I'm building up the courage to come out to my family. The first day of the year is as good as any.
I'm gonna work on this later.
I stand on the thresh hold of opportunity. As I stare into the coral blue ring of my toilet with my penis hanging limply in hand I realize that the number in my pocket is my key. My key to Freedom, my key to Opportunity, my key to other gay men.
My manager Eddie gave me his phone number.
Actually he scratched his number down quickly on a piece of paper. "Eddie and Tim" that is what the paper said.
He says call whenever I want to. Oh how I want to call. Oh how I want to make contact with other men. What to do.
*****************
Anyway, My little tent on the lake is staring to sink and the pond has quickly grown to a beautiful lake of mud. it is beautiful.
What the hell am I going to do? I want to call Eddie so bad. I want to meet people. This phone number is the key Eddie is the door. Does he even know just how much of a position of power he holds now. Has he set it up this way. probably not. Am I the only person who thinks of things in such exaggerated terms. Why can't this crap just be simple.
.....please! Follow me to bed. I really need you now. Good night..........
Goin' to bed now. Will ya be joining me?
Apparently so. AT the mention of going to New Orleans my parents have repeatedly SCREAMED no. "NO, you are to young." "no TJ New Orleans is for grownups" "NO, the discussion is closed." Well I don't need them anyway.
Maybe I go down to the pawnshop buy a gun and shoot bullets dangerously close to my neighbors house while drinking some yet to be named alcoholic beverage. Maybe I'll have sex on the lawn while my neighbors children stand spellbound with big greasy chicken legs in there hands. Or maybe I can just put my foot on my fucking gas pedal and go any damn way. Maybe that would be wise.
Christina has told me the most charming news. Tyrone has a new "friend". How nice. How perfectly nice. Very thought provoking stuff this is. I'm happy for him. Really Really happy. Can you feel my teeth cutting through the sides of my mouth as I smile.....HAPPILY.
Honestly I'm jealous. I need someone but I'm to weird and to restrained and just to fucking frightened to go get someone. My manager Eddie could hook me up, but i have a strange feeling that my parents would have a problem with me hanging out with a 34 year old openly gay man. Hell. They might even start to wonder about me. Oh GOD how would I live through that. Why don't I get a fucking prescription so I can sleep at night.
Lately I've had the weirdest dreams right before I wake up.
Like last night Mary J. Blige came into my dream and told me that abortion and fornication were wrong. Yep Mary herself came in and held a book in front of my fact and I saw abortion and fornication. I then used the rest of that dream to try and justify why they were right and necessary. I can't really remember if she said anything else but i do know that Laryn Hill was singing Zion in the background.
Imagine that. Me with an album called the soundtrack of the not so popular persons dreams. I think it would sell. God! I need a good scandal about me.
My life has been so normal ever since I graduated high school.
For once I know that no one is looking at me and actually giving a rat's ass. You know I'm probably wrong but please don't destroy my mood.
Goin' to bed? I am......
I see the tent built to
some long lived ecclesiastical idea
crouching low and forgotten over a
stream of its own making. Suddenly I am
reminded of a verse concerning standing in sinking sand.
(I assure you this is all true. The damn tents been sitting in a gigantic pool of mud and water for the last month and a half. Now I apply my imagination.)
As i sit patiently on the alter of our burning desire.(taken from the romance novel on the floor) I see the lights of your car pull slowly up into the mud. I can feel your frozen stare caressing my skin and bringing the world to a screeching halt around me.
****I am sop going to reorganize that later. This crap always sounds better in my head.******
Well I've been working lot for the last two weeks and have just completely neglected the open diary world. I'm SORRY! Really sorry. I missed you guys so much. really. Well not really. I really don't know who you "guys" are.
What do I really miss?
The flashing of my computer screen. Yeah. My little daughter of a filthy whore. Anyway i really am despising this damn Christmas thing. I am completely broke.
completely. My car took a relapsed momentarily earlier this week. Yep it popped it's tire and screwed it's wheel alignment.
To this I say bah humbug. It's Christmas fault.
Christmas is evil.
EVIL!
But I still want my gifts.
I will finish this later.
The other day my sister called. She was talking to me about God. She says that she has been praying for me and my father. She says she's worried about us. I didn't know what to say. Maybe I should consider the whole religion thing more deeply. She says it is really important and because of it she can kinda tel something is wrong with me.
she probably knows already and just refuses to accept the knowledge she already has. About two and a half years ago I kept a journal. It was actually during the time that i had just met Tyrone. We had been friends about three months. I was crazy about him and i often wrote about it in my journal. Luckily I don't think she read that part but she did read the part were I said i thought I was bisexual. I think it kinda fucked her over a bit. She was upset for a few days then she just got over it real quick and never said another word about it. I think she chose voluntary amnesia or something. Maybe it's seeping to the top of her mind now. I don't know.
there is a battle among us. A war and we are merely pawns thrown to the wolves. This war takes place not in some far off land, not in the streets of our cities, not even on our schoolyards, but in the deepest recesses of our hearts. the war for our souls is a dangerous one. One that shall never end. Neither side is strong enough to defeat the other. Only capable of maintaining a balance.
that's my haphazard view on religion. Maybe the Chinese had it right when they spoke of yin and yang.
I have been trying to write this silly essay for two days now and it only get harder. Why? Why can't i write a silly essay? Do i lack motivation? Maybe so, But I'll write the SOB anyway.
Alright after Scot dropped us off at McDonald's so we could retrieve our cars he proceeded to hug me and Christina then he dry humped me while Christina screamed cuz she was caught up in it. I like it when Scot humps me. It makes me feel safe. Actually i just feel good with him. Anyway as I drove Christina home she started going on and on about Scot. You see Scot is so cute and fine in his on way. It's not that he's super sexy cause he's not. He's just got something about him. The face of a teenager, the intellect of an "adult" and charm out of this world. I just feel good with him, but he's straight. how sad. Anyway I think he would be perfect for Christina
I change the title of my diary so much because i change the exact same way. I might have one title one week because I'm in that mood. Or i found some grouping of words that just means something to me in my little twisted world. I believe this is why some people give certain sections of books titles of their own. It's to differentiate the moods.
Thank you. and good night.
One day it was me and the white boy. As always i took it upon myself to look and realized he was looking to. I was "kinda" shocked. I never had someone look back. Anyway he reached over and grabbed me. Then he let go and left.
I just felt like taking a walk down memory lane as I stare at Dale( severely cute guy 2 seats over.) I'm going to marry him one day.
I knew it. For him to equate me with the looooovvvvvve of his life Michael has got to mean something. But I told him I don't see him that way even if we have had sex a couple of times.
Oh God. I was so mean to him. I just told him no then move right along without considering his feelings. Oh I'm sooooo bad. Not! well maybe today.
Well I having one of those dreams about almost every person in this Library. Especially this cute number right across from me.
This probably isn't good for me today. I'm trying to keep my happy stick in check today.(I'm being a rebel. I'm hangin' free. I'm...I'm... to lazy to was my clothes so I have no underwear to wear. HAHA.) Anyway got to keep myself in check don' need to accidentally poke some one's eye out.
I had a very interesting dream last night. i dreamed I overcame my fear of snakes(not likely) and my friend was playing with one near me. I didn't think anything of it until someone came over and started fighting over the snake with him. Well naturally the snake did not like this so it started snapping at both of them. they figured they should hold it s mouth shut and they did. But all of a sudden this lady runs over and says let the snake go because it can still get them. Just then the snakes body splits open and starts taking in the face of one of the guys. At that point I felt it necessary to wake up.
Very weird dream. Cute snake. Weird dream.
yeah I don't think it will make it either. But I actually would like to be out somewhere singing and dancing. Actually...just dancing. I can barely talk right now so I really don't think I could sing. I'm am so bored and so tired. I didn't go to sleep until about 3:15 last night. It's my fault though. I was watching center stage. I think I love that movie. I should have took ballet. I have grace, strength, an undying urge to blister my toes. I could make it...right.....RIGHT!?
Anyway, i want to go out somewhere. NOW!, but I must stay here and make a vain attempt to make my self smarter... I just want to go to the frieaking arcade. I'm dying here. Well not dying, but close.
I over slept this morning. Made myself a whole ten minutes late to class. YEAH! I failed my take home test in that class though. YEAH? ****lesson for today taking a test after being out of bed for ten minutes does not work. It is only a waste of you time.****
My throat doesn't feel like glass anymore. It feels like a bloody slime ball.
I'm worried. I can't pick a line of thought and stick to it. damn fragments. psynapsis popping way to fast. Actually probaly too slow. I need sex. I want sex. SEEEEXXXXXXXXXX! With that stated i also want a book. A good book. A book on the life of Arcadia.
My sister told me some stories of demons that her friend and her friends family have encountered. Are demons real. I could be the next buffy. Well not Buffy. TOMMIE the Vampire Fucker!
My show would so be on that whole Must see T.V. thing.
I'm rambling. slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowing down. bring the bus to a stop. Putting the driver on the curb. Backing up over his leg. then using the leg to get a real boost as I gun the bitch. Riding down the Freeway to a toll booth. Oh shit this bus is wired to explode if I go below 55. Sorry toll booth lady.
Where is everyone. Why will no one talk to me. Will someone help me answer the voices in my head. The bastards are getting a little unruly.
Tyrone read my diary.
What is the point of religion. where did it come from? Why is it necessary? If there is some divine entity why is it so obsessed with us. Are we so special? I want nothing more in the world than to just be left untouched. Not because I want to run hellishly through the world causing pain and suffering to small children, but because I just want to relax, spread my wings, think...without thinking that there is this shark person cruising around in my head cataloging all my thoughts.
How do you lose religion? In the south you simply get pissed off. But is it actually possible to lose your religion. If you have had any contact with any religious happening you have been affected. It, the experience, has been internalized. You now have the shine. I guess youcould call it that. For the rest of your life it will affect you. It will help form who you are. Actually just like any other experience does. It is no different than falling of a bike, getting a dog, being attacked and maimed by said dog. All these experiences have their affect. Now why is it that religious things get some extra weight in forming you.
Okay enough of that. Just rambling anyway.
I read the most interesting diary. Candy Perfume Boy. very interesting. Very deep. Not quite as superficial as the other mutherfuckers runnning around here.
1. I went to bed TODAY at about 1 then got up at about 7 so I could go to school.
2. When I woke up my throat felt like I had been force fed glass.
3. My nose runs whenever I am near a crowd of five or more.
4. My cold and my job and my lack of sleep has left me feeling tired. So tired that I actually feel a little delirious. I ran a red light after coming to a complete stop. I was so worried I get a ticket.
5. I forgot my papers to audit my class so i had to drive back home and get them.
6. On the way back my stomach started hurting really bad and I realized that if I didn't make it home soon I would ruin my car seat.
7. When i got home my father was here and started shouting at me for coming home in the middle of the day.
8. I haven't eaten since about 4pm yesterday.
9. That headache I had yesterday is staring to creep back.
10. My family is making ride to Jackson to watch a football game in freezing weather.(I love them so much)
Personally I think its a good day, but it might just be me and my damn rosy eyed look on life again. what do you think?
I think I managed to make a fool of myself last night. I also think I destroyed my managers opinion of me. See last night I went to work and i was really tired. I think I ate some candy to perk me up a bit. It worked but kept going for about three ours. And in that time i managed to jokingly curse at all my co-workers. Ask why most white people lack ass. And fall into a laughing spell that lasted about ten minutes. They really don't know what to make of me now. of course, I'm happy. You have no idea how hard it is to pretend to be quiet. Even though I am quiet and somewhat soft spoken. I think I destroyed that little act last night though.
Everyone should hear Chez Cher Le femme
then they should listen to Cher Chez Le Ghost
uhh, there is a stink on my finger
Did you put here. Damn man
you stink. Not like your sister either
*sniff* like your mother, hell, maybe your grandmother
where are you goin'? You always do this shit to me
you come with your shiny crown of thorns and slap it on me
Why do you always leave. Am I actually that
bad. I try to be good. I know that you're good
We know that we're good but we know that we will never see that good.
You stink. you and your beliefs, you and all your grief, you with all your beauty, you. You put this stink on my finger.
Yep, Yep I know that probably sucks big. But i was inspired so It doesn't matter.
You know. I like the spice girls.
That. that is about as deep as i an think right now. i think its time to rejoin the human race and turn away from this faceless void that has absorbed soo much of my life already. But.
I went to olkd Navy with my mother and my sisters yesturday and bonded with a grey jacket, a pair of olive cargo pants and this shirt that looks like they ripped the skin of a shaggy dog. I bonded quite literally. i havge to go get my children back. soon.
I think the shirt had a crush on a hat but I don't wear hats. i'm arguing with myself about wether or not to allow them to go out.
I'll go join the world now. Of course I will return. Maybe tuesday.
She wants answers. I want to be left alone. she wants to save my soul. But all I hear is that she wants to make me a bliind follower. Maybe its just me.
Anyway, I was sitting in church yesterday and was feeling really terrible. (no it was not the trapped gas) I guess I was on another one of the potato power trips. Anyway I kept asking myself why can't anyone see the dark rings around me. Yes, dark rings.
I was feeling evil. well its kinda hard to explain what I was thinking so I'll just try to tap into that space again and write it.
*drawing up the evil recces* LOL
Will no one hear my cries for blood. Can I one day acknowledge the fact that i OFTEN wonder what it would be like to crush some one's head beneath my feet. Maybe I'll lose control and do it one day. I'll just walk up to some unsuspecting fool and carry on a conversation like always then I'll reach out and without flinching slam their head into a wall. Maybe I'll record the sound it makes. *crunch* That would be fun. You know why I'm scared to have children. They learn. That's it, they learn. From the day a child is born until it is about 12 it learns everything. Children absorb everything. I have yet to meet a child who is actually oblivious to everything around them. They may not understand but they know its there. I don't want any child to absorb anything from me. I am NOT a role model. I pretty screwed. But I have been able to handle it. If a child were exposed to me there entire life I don't know if they would have the sense of mine to control the fucked-upedness of their mind.
I hate to lie. That is my biggest problem. Hiding myself from my parents and my friends has taken a huge toll on me. I don't lie because I want to. If I had something to gain besides peace I wouldn't mind lying sometimes. Actually i would. I don't like to lie. I've had to lie every since i WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE. I know what the truth is but embracing it is a real problem. Maybe I'm just screwy but this thing about liking guys has been the root of my problems
I never wanted to play football because I was trying to suppress my desire. I never hung around guys because I was trying to fill my mind with images of girls only so that IO could be "normal"
I've done some horrible things in my life. Horrible things. Tyrone and Christina are about the only people who know more about me then my parents do but they still don't know the horrible sad details that I am so ashamed of. Maybe they'll never know. Maybe they shouldn't know.
Why does no one hear my though. I wonder what do people feel when I walk in the room. Do they feel a touch of "evil" or do they just feel normal and see that a big black guy with rid eyes just walked in the room. I like to think that I can feel people. You know like with auras.
I believe in that shit. Not so much as seeing it though. Even though I'm sure some people can. I just choose to feel it. I believe that you can strengthen your aura through meditation.....that is the source of potato power.
It is time, for me to go take my test.
If someone were to hypnotize me and ask what have you been doing with your life I'm more than a little worried That I might say I've been trying to piss off God, but I'm starting to give up because I can't seem to do anything wrong enough to get a rise out of the bastard. Not saying he is a bastard but I'm just tired of waiting on some confirmation of his existence. Just a small miracle would be enough for me. Something like a drop of water falling from a blue sky. A warm breeze in the middle of a hospital. Something. Nothing to elegant. Elegance is the type of thing you expect to come from men. All I want is simple grace.
Then they would snap their fingers and I would be thrust back into my ho-hum life like nothing ever happened.
Tyrone says that from reading my diary he realizes that me, Christina and Lisa (distant relative and friend) are all small potatoes. He also grouped himself in that later on but still. I think that I have great, lavishes dreams and desires. My grand scheme is no smaller or potatoish then the next persons. I have will. I like to think that this whole period in the Junior college is nothing more than a way of making into a more powerful force. When I leave Moss Point I never want to return. I want to go into the world and scare the hell out of people. If that still makes me small potatoes then so be it. I'll be the small potato that sends you to the hospital choking. I'll be the small potato that a field of small potatoes grow from. I will be a force. who cares if it is a potato force.
| Last entry i pretty much made it known that I did not plan to have sex with Trevis. My mother had managed to ruin my plans of going to mobile. This was all on friday during the day.
Friday Night
I went to work where I had to work with Tuan again. It is really weird being around him sometimes. He laughs way to much about silly stuff. Anyway after I got off work I went up to McDonald's and invited Kristina and Michael and Ryan (Kristina's boyfriend). I had to leave quickly though because Mike the manager on duty is an asshole and they were kind of busy. So I went home and ordered pizza. (yum)
Later that night I went back up to McDonald's and lead the children back to my house. Somehow this guy named Scot managed to get grouped in with them but I didn't mind. Michael road with me (so happy) but he went on and on about his girlfriend (kill the bitch). Of course I just smiled and pretended to be interested while i tried desperately to turn up the radio. Well the McD kids came over walked around my house looked at my T.V. then left.
somewhere before i went to get the McD kids Tyrone and Christina called from Mobile. I was just a wee bit shocked that he voluntarily called me. I fought my first reflex and decided to be nice and talk to him. I didn't know what to say so Christina proclaimed that something had to be wrong with me. So untrue. I was just fine I had just hit a silent spot. ******I thought Friday was rather uneventful but I guess it is a pretty good way to ease into Saturday.******
Saturday Day
Saturday started off pretty dull. I woke up and walked around a bit. I took a movie back to work and waited desperately for about five o'clock. I was waiting on Christina to call me. And say Tommie I am here to save you from the silent Hell that you call home. Give me your hand and be led to the land of Chinese food.
She never came. I started to starve to death. As my small intestine started the first battle of the day with my large intestine Trevis called. He wanted to come over and play on the Internet. He posted some silly add on Yahoo under my screen name. If you want to see it go to Yahoo and look up ORYH. Well he got through and we went to watch some t.v. in the den. For some odd reason he seemed to not be watching the Power puff girls like I was. He was staring at me with his legs spread apart and a little tent in his pants. You can probably guess what else happened so I'll just keep the details to dialogue only.
************************ Me: why are you not watching t.v.? Trevis: cause I'm looking at something else? Me:(thinking) Damn he's is going to try to make a whore of me. Doesn't he have a man?
Me: Trevis I think I know what you want. Trevis: ........... Me: What about your boyfriend, Sergio? Trevis: What about him? He called Fernando last night.
*****Fernando is Sergio's ex.
trevis: Why he calling his ex? Me: I don't know. What do you want? Trevis: (trying to look sexy)................. Me:(thinking) Has he been reading my mind? Does he know how much I want sex? Damn what should I do? Should I let him make a whore of me one more time? Me: Dammit! Drop em' *************************
Why do I have no control? Maybe it is a guy thing. Anyway when we..err..he got through I felt really awkward. Do you know what he did? He called his boyfriend. I felt so cheap. I kept him to drop fifty on the table.
By the way Christina did not call until a while after Trevis left. Tyrone called before she did though. I like talking to him. He is so nice to talk to. I miss that.
later on Saturday night
When Christina finally called me we agreed to watch a movie at my house. Me Christina and Tyrone. He agreed to it so the plan was set. Christina came up to blockbuster about 11:50. (I told her to be there at 11:45. she is so disobedient) We got a movie then but i didn't get off work until 1:30. so I had little magic sitting in the parking lot for about an hour in a half. I felt so bad. Anyway we picked up Tyrone and went to my house to watch perfect storm. It was alright but It could have been better. Anyway we laughed a good bit. i was having fun but Christina had to live. Tyrone stayed. I considered trying to put the moves on him but thought against it. anyway we finished watching the movie. And realized it was about 3 in the morning. i really did not want to take him home then so I offered to let him stay here. He said "whatever". So I told him he could sleep on the couch and then reluctantly told him he could sleep in my bed (with me). I so did not want that to sound like an invitation for sex. Apparently it did not. (sigh of relief) so we talked for a while and it ended up being about 4:45 before I decided I was getting in bed. He realized he couldn't sleep any more so i let him come in my room and play Resident Evil. I hate him. He makes that game seem so easy. He had like a thousand bullets five minutes into the game. (bastard0 anyway when five o'clock rolled around he tried to go to sleep on the couch.
He said it was uncomfortable and suddenly showed up in my bed. Scared the hell out of me. (but it also made me happy. I always wanted him to be that close to me while we were going out) Anyway we fell asleep and that was the night. I took him home this morning and that is it.
Now, Sunday morning
I can't sleep and I'm can barely feel my fingers. I am soooo cold. But pleased for today. | |
I decided not to go to Mobile because my mother is going to call from Jackson sometime tonight. I'm not really sure when but I know she will. If I'm not at home to get that phone call she will be really upset and start calling repeatedly. There goes a fun night with Christina.
Maybe. Maybe I can convince some people to come over. Not for a party or anything but you know just to have fun. That will probably never happen. I'm way to boring and timid to ask anyone to come over to my house.
I won't be having sex with Trevis any time soon. He has a boyfriend. Isn't that nice. He won't come over and try to screw me. I should have known this would happen. The minute I start to actually consider having sex with him he goes and gets a man.
You know I think I was using Trevis as a back-up plan. You know in time of severe drought you can always call Trevis. I'm so stupid. Maybe selfish. I need to get someone. Really bad.
Do you know that last night as I was talking to Trevis I made the statement that maybe i need to change a few things. He totally agreed. He gave me something of a list of things I need to do:
1. Go out more.
2. At least pretend to not be shy sometimes. (He claims that I tend to black out sometimes and totally disregard the people and the world around me. My reply, I can't help it if I hear music in here sometimes.)
3. He says i need to dress better....A lot better.
These are things that i already know. I dress terribly, I ignore people sometimes, I stay in way to much. But there only so much I can do with my parents being so close to me. That is probably just an excuse.
Anyway, Trevis told me some more news. It seems that Ryan is talking about our little escapade in Oklahoma. Someone asked why he and Trevis are no longer friends. He replied that it is because of something Trevis did on a church trip. I don't know what else he said, but I'm still going to talk to him. I'll try to reach him before Trevis tries to kill him. I'll try to remember that this is all here say but it will be hard.
I think I'm growing tired of playing ambassador for those two. I think I might have to drop the both of them for a little while at least. They give me way to much stress.
This whole badly, dressed ambassador thing i do is probably my own fault. I think I purposefully set myself up to be left all alone. All my friends are pairing off and I'm left here chilling, quietly in a corner. Maybe i can put some paint on it.
I really want sex. But I really need some fun. I guess I'll have to decide really quick.
I saw the most interesting movie the other day. "the edge of seventeen" Gay movie? Yes. Poorly written? Yes. Striking material? Yes. There was one seen of the movie where this guy came out to his mother. She hugs him and walks away saying she doesn't know how to handle this.
That is what I'm afraid of. I don't want to have to hear that. i can't hear that. I've worked very hard to be who i am now. i don't need a word from my mother to put me back in Junior high. All quiet scared to let anyone touch me. i don't need that again. I don't need to feel like shit...again. So I wait. i count the moments until i feel she has been prepare enough to handle it. With my father I'll just try to learn all that i can from Billy Blanks and hope Tae-Bo serves me well.
Anyway, a friend of mine, Tracy, we made a silly little bet that one of us would get this guy we work with to come to our house first. Well she won but she told Tuan(that is his name, pronounced Twon) about the bet. Well she says she told him we had a bet but not the exact basis of it.
At work last night he says I owe Tracy a thousand dollars. I'm like for what. He says cause she won the bet. I stopped and thought for a moment....what bet? When I realized i was kinda shocked but I managed to not show that. Just more like pleasant surprise. Anyway Tuan got off and came back to rent some movies. I messed up on the money a little bit and called the manager over. he fixed it and left. As I was giving Tuan his money back he says I know about you. I was shocked. I think my eyes gave that away.
I hate my eyes. If eyes are a window to the soul, will someone please help me pick out some curtains. He probably could tell how shocked, horrified, worried I was. If he knows about me I think it will be very hard working around him for a while. I did not want to bring this into my new job but maybe it is for the best. Maybe not.
Dammit who the hell does my eyes work for? I say look calm and cool they go showing worry. I think it is time to invest in some shades.
But, alas, It seems I will. i wonder can you just walk up and demand they take your vote. I just want to vote for Gore. He seems like a good man. Not saying being "good" or a "man" is any reason to vote for someone. because "bad" "women" are just as.....good....too? Anyway, I can't find that damn card, and I haven't a clue who I should call.
Could someone please give me a clue? I'm a registered voter but i don't know where. Please, help......
| There was this guy that I was totally in love with last year. I had to share a couple of classes with him even though he was younger. He was so beautiful. He was smart, sexy, almost perfect. I loved to just look at him. His name was Jeremy. Doesn't that sound nice on your lips.
Anyway I saw him again last Sunday and came close to slapping myself. How the hell could I have been in love with such a thin, stuck-up son of a bitch. I give you this. He is still cute, but I did not realize how thin he was. Maybe. Maybe i WAS JUST IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF HIM BEING GAY. I don't know. That seems to be the problem with me. I fall in love with the idea and not the fact.
I like ideas. It is so easy to get a bundle of them together and blind yourself from the real world. Maybe that what they mean by looking at the world through rosy colored glasses. Maybe. I wish I had never seen Jeremy again. I enjoyed thinking about him but now i think I'll move him to a lesser file in my brain. | |
Somehow that feeling got transferred to the world and I felt good.
**********************
(sorry but this must be said.)
damn that guy is sexy.
**********************
I felt completely good. All was well with the world, my world at that moment. why don't they make pills that give you that?
Sorry about the fine-guy break.
Maybe
Last night my friend Kristina came to blockbuster to visit me. Let me say now i was simply ecstatic.....well maybe more like pleased. I was very happy to see her. anyway she took me to get something to eat. she told me that she had just come from the hospital and her grandmother will probably die within a month.
She seems to be taking it well: far better than I would in a situation like that. I did not know how to comfort her or if I should even try. She eventually stated that she did not want to talk about it anymore. I'm still worried about her though. She is a very special girl.
Eventually she managed to get to the subject of Tyrone. She asked me if I really hated Tyrone.( You see Tyrone told me That he did not want to talk to me anymore. I guess I told her that I hated him now) Anyway i thought about it. I don't hate him. Never have never will. Sure he pisses me off whenever i get near him for to long but I think I love him. That is scary to me. I don't exactly like to do the love thing.
Anyway we stopped talking about that. Then she took me back to blockbuster and we talked in the parking lot for about forty-five minutes. Just like old times at McDonald's. Anyway we parted company and went home. Apparently Kristina's question's about Tyrone jarred loose a few bricks in the wall that I've built to deal with him. I had the most bizarre dream and he was at the center of it.
In the dream, I was standing in a big room talking on the phone. My little sister came in and told me that there was a guy at the door for me. Well I went to the door and no one was there. Then I heard someone call my name from my parents bedroom. I went in there and there he was. I told him I missed him and went to give him a hug. Just then my parents pulled up. I went out of their room thinking he would follow me but he did not. He hid under some pillows. I tried to bye him some time so he could go to my room without being seen. Then my father was talking to me and his stomach was pressing against my penis.( yes that is the weirdest part of the entire dream. ewwwww.) Well by the time my father stopped talking to me my mother had gone into her room an was making her bed up. Tyrone comes out from under the pillows and tries to make it out of the room. My mother starts screaming, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HERE?" Then I try to walk him to the door and give him a hug before leaving and my mother sees us and starts screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" (You see my family doesn't know about me. That is probably for the best right now anyway.) While I'm hugging Tyrone I think i had an orgasm. (that was funny)
Anyway, I don't enjoy dreaming about Tyrone. I love him but he has decided that he wants no part of me so I'm not going to beat myself up thinking about him.
by the way. Thank you Kristina.
List of things to get during my world takeover:
1. One white cat and one black cat
2. Large gutted out old factory( preferably from the industrial revolution)
3. One Viper. Preferably Indigo colored.
4. All the money I see.
5. One large yacht. With parents on it. Circling Antarctica.
6. Chihuahua mixed(naturally)_ with a Great Dane. No genetic engineering. All natural. hehe
7. The original copy of Salvador Dali's "the tempting of St. Paul"
I think that will do it.
Wait.
8. One fine ass boyfriend
9. One fine ass girlfriend.
That should do for now.
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By the way kids. I've been thinking the title of my diary kind of sucks. It would be nice if someone( who isn't hateful or upset) would give me some suggestions.
Then I'll probably start pretending you, the world, doesn't exist.
I stooped to the level of a thirteen year old.
I feel bad. I refuse to ever let that happen again. I am going to let myself be angered like that again. So sad.
This has been the case with a certain individual. I told him that his diary was basically a " I hate this and that list". I did not just sit down and look one time and see that. This guy whines like a fucking baby. It is really annoying. He then took it upon himself to try to call me out like I would be hurt by that. Then some little heifer backed him up by calling me a fascist.( I can't help it if I know what is best for the world. LOL) I can't say I'm upset. But you have to expect opinions to be thrown back at you when you throw yours.
but you should probably see this diary for yourself.
it is called: welcome to my hell by: Shot~2~Hell
Go take a look. Tell him what you think. Be "nice
I have refused his offer about six times all ready but he knows that he is starting to wear me down. He knows that I want a little sex, but he should know that I refuse to be an easy lay. He is whining because he has gone almost three weeks without getting some. Personally I think that is his fault. He and I both know a nympho who would love to pleasure Trevis with his body. Hell if I could get in touch with the boy I would take him up on it. He is so fine. But I am not having sex for a while. Not that I'm abstinent or anything. It's just that I decided that I wouldn't again until I felt I was ready. Besides last time I gave Trevis a blow job I got diarrhea. Very unnice.
Besides I don't really like him that way. And it is a major turnoff to hear him talking about all these guys that he likes. Oh God he has found another person that I went to high school with who is gay. I knew about this person the entire time but I never was certain. This guy named Fernando (Mr. Tatoo...he put that in my senior book under his name.)
(((((((((intense moment))))))))))
Was I surrounded by gay people and just refused to see it. have I shielded my eyes from the light that enveloped everyone around me.........
)))))))moment over(((((((
Oh the things around me. Maybe I should come out. I damn near blurted it out to my mother Sunday. Thank God I had to go to work. There is a good chance that i would have been homeless right now.
Still, I think they should know....eventually...at least.
Oh this guy that I knew from high school read my diary. Turns out he is gay.oo. I have been surrounded and never knew. Maybe I should buy some glasses. Or some pills.
