Rafiki Said,

Yeah I guess I've taken a long enough break from looking my thoughts square in the eye. You know that is the problem with this thing. It gives you to much of an opportunity to examine yourself. Drawing judgements of yourself and those around you should be in the disclaimer for open diary.

Anyway, I was sitting in church yesterday and was feeling really terrible. (no it was not the trapped gas) I guess I was on another one of the potato power trips. Anyway I kept asking myself why can't anyone see the dark rings around me. Yes, dark rings.

I was feeling evil. well its kinda hard to explain what I was thinking so I'll just try to tap into that space again and write it.

*drawing up the evil recces* LOL

Will no one hear my cries for blood. Can I one day acknowledge the fact that i OFTEN wonder what it would be like to crush some one's head beneath my feet. Maybe I'll lose control and do it one day. I'll just walk up to some unsuspecting fool and carry on a conversation like always then I'll reach out and without flinching slam their head into a wall. Maybe I'll record the sound it makes. *crunch* That would be fun. You know why I'm scared to have children. They learn. That's it, they learn. From the day a child is born until it is about 12 it learns everything. Children absorb everything. I have yet to meet a child who is actually oblivious to everything around them. They may not understand but they know its there. I don't want any child to absorb anything from me. I am NOT a role model. I pretty screwed. But I have been able to handle it. If a child were exposed to me there entire life I don't know if they would have the sense of mine to control the fucked-upedness of their mind.

I hate to lie. That is my biggest problem. Hiding myself from my parents and my friends has taken a huge toll on me. I don't lie because I want to. If I had something to gain besides peace I wouldn't mind lying sometimes. Actually i would. I don't like to lie. I've had to lie every since i WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE. I know what the truth is but embracing it is a real problem. Maybe I'm just screwy but this thing about liking guys has been the root of my problems

I never wanted to play football because I was trying to suppress my desire. I never hung around guys because I was trying to fill my mind with images of girls only so that IO could be "normal"

I've done some horrible things in my life. Horrible things. Tyrone and Christina are about the only people who know more about me then my parents do but they still don't know the horrible sad details that I am so ashamed of. Maybe they'll never know. Maybe they shouldn't know.

Why does no one hear my though. I wonder what do people feel when I walk in the room. Do they feel a touch of "evil" or do they just feel normal and see that a big black guy with rid eyes just walked in the room. I like to think that I can feel people. You know like with auras.

I believe in that shit. Not so much as seeing it though. Even though I'm sure some people can. I just choose to feel it. I believe that you can strengthen your aura through meditation.....that is the source of potato power.

It is time, for me to go take my test.