but what of the future

Yesterday, as is my habit, I did some thinking on the train. I started thinking about my future. I seems that many of the people in my life are all getting married or just finding that dream career. I am not.

I think my life my be stalling a little. I'm kinda ok with my job now and I'm not really worried about getting married... that's a lie. I want to get married. But I want to be happy too and I don't really see myself as being happy with a woman. Not for long anyway. I can't be happy if I think my happiness is making someone sad.

how long can I stay in japan really. I've spoken with many people and they make it seems like staying in japan is basically putting the rest of their life on hold. They say things like I have to get back to real life. I've heard that so many times. Am I living in a dream here? Am I strange for not really being able to imagine a life to run back to? I have a few friends back home, but the way I see it they are all slowly getting into fly away mode. If I return home they may not be there. So should I run back to bid them farewell? I don't have a potnetial mate waiting for me. Work doesn't really make me happy. I can't really think of a career that I want. Work does not do it for me. Am I lazy? Maybe, but I just want to live. Living, doing things, being out and about the world makes me happy. I think I'll have to create my career myself. Should I go back home to do that. I'm not close to my family... well I'm close and being far away is a bit of a strain, but that strain is easily done away with by making a simple phone call.

What will I be doing in five years? Five years ago I was chilling in Moss Point, going to the local community college, trying to convince my friend that the guy she was trying to set me up with had horrifying baby teeth and no I'm sitting in a room in fucking Japan trying to fight whatever the hell this demon in me is. I have a cold... a japanese cold. I can't handle this. I don't know how. Maybe I'll go to the doctor. As of yesterday I am officially insured. Yay me.

random pics

hairy arms

I have been told that in Japan women often shave their forearms and legs, but let the other parts of their body grow into dense jungles. If you look at their porn the whole jungle thing is totally obvious. I had until recently not really bought the whole shaving the arm thin because I naturally don't have that much hair on my arms and so didn't pay attention to theirs, but yesterday I was forced to see the truth.

I was at work and I was talking to one of my students when this sub-teacher walks up. She was pretty stocky chick and since I wasn't really looking at her when she walked up I assumed she was a man out of the corner of my eyes. Just because of her build and the fact that she stomped like she was out to destroy every living thing that might even considering falling under her feet. I think stomping is very unladylike and just stupid. I don't stomp. Stomping is for neanderthals and this woman was very neanderthal-ish.
I didn't really llok at her until she got beside me. Yea she wasn't the cutest thing, but I don't imagine neandethals are exactly ugly, so I won't say that. She had dark hair, big eyes, a sloping forehead, dark, feral looking eyes, and glasses... ugly rims, and the hairiest forearms I have ever seen on a woman. They were hideous. Frightening. Just dark and thick. I'm sure she coul brush and braid the stuff. The moment I saw it I started to wonder what her vagina looks like, and then I fainted.

really.

I fell down and my student started trying to do cpr. Her breast started to touch me as she did cpr and then I just died. I'm writing this from beyond the grave in hopes that hairy armed women and men around the world will be kind enough to either cover or shave their forearms.

Sugar induced rambling

I read, maybe recently, that when you are depressed you start to crave sweet things. Today I can't stop eating candy. For me this is really rare. I like candy, but can "forget" for months at a time that it even exists. I don't think I'm depressed I just haven't been doing anything strenous in a while. I have lots of built up energy. You would think this would manifest itself as me being antsy. It does. I can barely sleep lately and today I looked up and found myself wandering around random parts of the city. I need to do something.


Tomorrow is national sports day. I'm going to the movies. I'll be going with some friends. We're gonna see Lady In the Water. I want to see it, but I was told today, by a very adamate source that I should not see the movie because its crap or something to that effect. This source was very convinvicing and now I'm thinking of mnot seeing the movie. Since tomorrow is national sports day and all I think iI should go bowling. I like bowling. But I don't think it would be very easy to convince my friends to go. Maybe one of them would like it. He's this cute Japanese-Portuguese guy. He would be down. But my other friend just doesn't seem like the bowling... runiing.. moving quickly type. She'll require some work. Or I could go to this kickboxing dojo that I saw on the other side of town. King Muay. Thailand kickboxing. It just maks my face and shins tingle thinking about it. I want to do something that is a little painful. I think I'm getting to soft. I don't consider myself a realy tough person, but I know that I'm not a push over either. I want to take kickboxing so I can feel my edge again. Like I'm an athlete or somethign cool.


hmm... I was gonna say something else, but I forgot.

At work yesterday I tried to get my students to talk about Brokeback Mountain. Not to advance my personal gay agenda (I don't have one. At least not one that extends to changing the minds of the rest of the world.) I was curious about why the movie was never shown in the theaters here. It got so much priase in our country and I think in a few others, but here it was quietly slipped onto the shelves of my local movie rental store. They advertise everything here, but I haven't seen a single adertisement for Brokeback. At any rate, I was only able to get my students to say that it is embarrassing to have a gay person in your family and that Japan just isn't ready for something so controversial and then they shut down. Like completely. They were silent and looking down and then I switched the conversation to scary movies and they popped right ot life. I am so tired of talking about fucking scary movies. I would like to talk to a foreign person, hell, a japanese person about something more substantial than my ability or inability to eat natto. Natto is gross. Why don't they understand that?

Anyway, I guess the way they just shut down made me think of my parents. I imagine them doign that when I tell them I'm gay or maybe they'll scream and curse (my mother) and try to beat me up (my father) before praying loudly and then shutting down. At any rate, I was unsettling. Once when I was about to tell my parents my older sister, she knows I'm gay but pretends its a phase and won't metion it unless I do, told me that my parents wouldn't want to hear about that. I think that is the attitude that Japan takes on it. Its too controversial for them, but near public prostitution is ok. Strange, neh?

Anpanman

This is Anpanman. Yes, as you assumed, he is evil. Anapanman is a redbean bun that has some how been given magical powers. Unlike Doraemon, who is merely a puppet, I believe Anpanman to be possessed. He is bread. BREAD, DAMMIT!! and the kids here love him.

Now I must admit, red bean buns are bretty damn good. I may eat one like 2 or 3 times a month, but when my bread gets up and makes a vain attempt at saving the world that is when I call my priest or baker. Whoever I feel is better suited to handle the problem of living bread. Anpanman's friends(in the background) are also possessed bread or other things.

I really don't know what you call an army of demon possessed bread... a bakery. The devil's bakery? Its frightening.

some random questions... and me talking to much... about nothing

I like random questions. I'm considering making a collection of random questions, but to do that I supppose I would have to set out parameters for what is random.

I really don't know. For something to be random there has to be some... um... consistency? I don't know. Perhaps this is one string of thought that I should abandon.

Anyway, this is Doraemon. Yes. He is evil. He is one of several beloved creatures here in Japan. From what the locals say he is a cat. Yes, a cat. I do not believe this. And I will tell you why.

Doraemon has no ears. Why, you ask. Because sometime in the future (Doraemon is a special breed fo evil time traveling "cat") his ears were eaten off by a mouse. because of this Doraemon has an irrational fear of mice. Doraemon also has a pouch through which he is able to any number of "useful" things, which actually always end up causing some form of discomfort for his owner. Doraemon is also Japanese which just makes him evil. Well he may not be evil, but he is not a cat.

I wonder what kind of underwear drag queens wear. Boxers, briefs, panites, thongs, some kind of weird joskstrap. I wish someone were here to shed light on that little mystery. (how's that for random?)

Doraemon is not a cat. He is a koala. This is the only way by which I can explain his peculiarites. Koala's are on the whole not plagued by mice. So if a rogue mouse were to attack a koala I believe that the koala may be so surprised that he would not be able to maintain possesion of his ears. Also koalas are marsupials. They like kangaroos, opposums and other marsupial-y animals that I can't think of are subject to a strange birth defect that makes them produce a pouch. Its for holding their kids but Doraemon pulls things from the future to hurt people. Doraemon is an evil koala, but even his status as living being is debatable.

I have ben told recently that Doraemon is a robot. Yes, a robot. Apparently a film or some evil Doraemon broadcast has made it known that Doraemon is not even alive. I actually don't believe the whole robot thing. He is some type of lifeless koala puppet being controlled by some unknown group. An so Doraemon is evil... by default and all of the people who love him are evil too, or at least under the influence of evil and are therefore rendered... evil. Its a transitive property. It is true. I assure you.

Denki? and tight shoes

Calling today uneventful would almost be a sin. I think this might actually be the most eventful day i've had in nagoya thus far. I assure you that is not a good thing.

I have found that the easiest way to insure a bad day is to start off by wearing small shoes. Yes, although wearing small shoes seems easy to avoid, almost second nature to some, is my first crime of the day... maybe even my only crime. I was forced to wear the small shoes because my favorite pair of shoes (which I have not laced since removing them fromt he box 7 months ago) has developed a rather large hole in the sole of the left shoe. Today it rained. Actually al weekend it rained. The danger to my socks should be apparent. Anyway, I felt that wearing my other pair of dress shoes was my only option. Now these shoes are gorgeous. They are a beautiful shade of brown, the soul is rubber but still gorgeous and they were a christmas gift from my older sister. Their only flaw is that they are too damn small. I've put off wearing them for ten months. Even though I love them I forced myself to not wear them... until today. I should have heeded the first warning. My blue shoes tried to prevent me from opening the door to the brown shoes. (they had wedged themselves in the door) I could not be stopped though. I got the brown ones and struggled for five minutes to put them on. That was the second sign. The third sign should have been the simple fact that although they were on my feet effectively cutting off circulation they still were struggling to get off. I shojuld have freed them and my feet, but i was determined. So for the majority of the day my feet bore the brunt of my stupidity and the curse of the brown shoes.

Anyway, shortly after hobbling down the street to the station I realized that i missed my first train of the day. I missed the subway by a whole 1 minute. Maybe even seconds, but I've grown accustomed to missing the subway so i wasn't alarmed. I just waited my ten minutes for the next one. Anyway I made it to the main station and mad my requisite mad dash to the Kintetsu train station. (That mad dash is becoming a bit of a monday morning ritual for me.) Once I arrived at the station I was surprised to find that the line to buy a ticket was incredibly long. Like maybe four or five times its normal monday length. I still was not bothered. I even managed to overlook the bothered expressions of the people around me.

When I finally made it to the booth and asked for my ticket the little japanese man made a gesture with his hand (maybe for no, my feet were interferring with my ability to understand) and kept saying the word denki. I being an idiot when it comes to Japanese went asked as best i could what the hell do you mean "denki?" This attempt at understanding manifested itsef simply as "Denki wa?" I was quickly brushed away though. A foreigner not understanding simple japanese can't be dealt with apparently. I went to one of a thousand stressed out conductors and got the same handsigns. I eventually interpretted the signs as meaning some stupid bitch had walked willy nilly in front of a train and ceased to be with the living anymore. I was told later that an even stupider truck driver took out a wall of powerlines and redenred the trains unusable.

I eventually called my head office to report the problem with my train and was told to run (in my small shoes) over to a different train line and try to make it to buttfuck again. That's Tsu for ya'll who are not in the know. After hobbling the evil nail lined mile over to the new station I realized the ticket costs almost twice as much as the other ticket I would have bought, but I got it any damn way. While while waiting for my train this weird old man crept up beside me and basically did a full bow to my feet. Like knees and hands and forehead on the floor. TO say that I was weirded out was an understatement. Apparently my shoelace was untied and required a full bow to correct. At any rate I dashed through the ticket gate and waited on the freezing cold platform... well not freezing clod but still cold. (will winter here make me cry?)

Once I made it to work, 15 minutes late, I realized that my boss had a student waiting for me. So I had like a half second to get ready and teach class... TO AN OLD ALMOST DEAF WOMAN!!!!! Ok, saying she is almost deaf is a bit of a lie. She is a little hard of hearing, but I had to shout and talk slow the entire class and did I mention that I still had the tight ass shoes on!!!???!!!

I finished with the old lady and was immediately greeted with my boss, Mika, asking if I had managed to get the stuff for the crazy english conversation proficiency test. Of course I hadn't. The company had held some type of lame ass workshop behind my back. So I didn't have shit. Not even a clue. SO I had to make a ton of calls (four) to get someone at the head office to fax the crap over and then i delivered the test to my class whiel still in my tight shoes.

On the way home I think my toes started to bleed a little. I know they begged me in their cute we've been abused all day by your tight shoes way to not make them go back into that horrible place again.

Ok. I'm tired of typing. Maybe I'll fill in the details on this later. or at least spell check it.

Get up

I love the way ciara dances