Another Year To be Mediocre

At long last this year is coming to a close. I would have liked for it to end big bang but it does not seem to want to go down that way. This has got to be the most interesting year of my entire life. I had sex a lot more than usual this year. I graduated from high school. Quit my job of two years and started college within two months of that. I managed to finally lose a friend.

There is a lot of more interesting things to ramble about but I feel it necessary to remark on whether or not I will build a prison for my self by making a resolution.

I know that I'm building up the courage to come out to my family. The first day of the year is as good as any.

I'm gonna work on this later.

On The Edge

Behold......

I stand on the thresh hold of opportunity. As I stare into the coral blue ring of my toilet with my penis hanging limply in hand I realize that the number in my pocket is my key. My key to Freedom, my key to Opportunity, my key to other gay men.

My manager Eddie gave me his phone number.

Actually he scratched his number down quickly on a piece of paper. "Eddie and Tim" that is what the paper said.

He says call whenever I want to. Oh how I want to call. Oh how I want to make contact with other men. What to do.

*****************

Anyway, My little tent on the lake is staring to sink and the pond has quickly grown to a beautiful lake of mud. it is beautiful.

What the hell am I going to do? I want to call Eddie so bad. I want to meet people. This phone number is the key Eddie is the door. Does he even know just how much of a position of power he holds now. Has he set it up this way. probably not. Am I the only person who thinks of things in such exaggerated terms. Why can't this crap just be simple.

.....please! Follow me to bed. I really need you now. Good night..........

Good Night

damn that felt good. Haven't written like that in quite a while.

Goin' to bed now. Will ya be joining me?

Damn Christmas

It has done it again. This Christmas monster has drained my bank account, stolen my wallet, and left me feeling all poetical and ooey, gooey, disgusting. But now that i think I returning to my old self. The New Year is about to roll around and ALLS I WANT IS SOMETHING OR SOMEONE TO DO! Am I asking to much? Is it fucking wrong to want to go to New Orleans to chill with a drunken mob of strangers. Maybe get groped and robbed(again and again)and possibly laid as a way to bring in the fucking New year. Is that so wrong?

Apparently so. AT the mention of going to New Orleans my parents have repeatedly SCREAMED no. "NO, you are to young." "no TJ New Orleans is for grownups" "NO, the discussion is closed." Well I don't need them anyway.

Maybe I go down to the pawnshop buy a gun and shoot bullets dangerously close to my neighbors house while drinking some yet to be named alcoholic beverage. Maybe I'll have sex on the lawn while my neighbors children stand spellbound with big greasy chicken legs in there hands. Or maybe I can just put my foot on my fucking gas pedal and go any damn way. Maybe that would be wise.

Christina has told me the most charming news. Tyrone has a new "friend". How nice. How perfectly nice. Very thought provoking stuff this is. I'm happy for him. Really Really happy. Can you feel my teeth cutting through the sides of my mouth as I smile.....HAPPILY.

Honestly I'm jealous. I need someone but I'm to weird and to restrained and just to fucking frightened to go get someone. My manager Eddie could hook me up, but i have a strange feeling that my parents would have a problem with me hanging out with a 34 year old openly gay man. Hell. They might even start to wonder about me. Oh GOD how would I live through that. Why don't I get a fucking prescription so I can sleep at night.

Lately I've had the weirdest dreams right before I wake up.

Like last night Mary J. Blige came into my dream and told me that abortion and fornication were wrong. Yep Mary herself came in and held a book in front of my fact and I saw abortion and fornication. I then used the rest of that dream to try and justify why they were right and necessary. I can't really remember if she said anything else but i do know that Laryn Hill was singing Zion in the background.

Imagine that. Me with an album called the soundtrack of the not so popular persons dreams. I think it would sell. God! I need a good scandal about me.

My life has been so normal ever since I graduated high school.

For once I know that no one is looking at me and actually giving a rat's ass. You know I'm probably wrong but please don't destroy my mood.

Goin' to bed? I am......

From The Road

from the road home

I see the tent built to

some long lived ecclesiastical idea

crouching low and forgotten over a

stream of its own making. Suddenly I am

reminded of a verse concerning standing in sinking sand.

(I assure you this is all true. The damn tents been sitting in a gigantic pool of mud and water for the last month and a half. Now I apply my imagination.)

As i sit patiently on the alter of our burning desire.(taken from the romance novel on the floor) I see the lights of your car pull slowly up into the mud. I can feel your frozen stare caressing my skin and bringing the world to a screeching halt around me.

****I am sop going to reorganize that later. This crap always sounds better in my head.******

Well I've been working lot for the last two weeks and have just completely neglected the open diary world. I'm SORRY! Really sorry. I missed you guys so much. really. Well not really. I really don't know who you "guys" are.

What do I really miss?

The flashing of my computer screen. Yeah. My little daughter of a filthy whore. Anyway i really am despising this damn Christmas thing. I am completely broke.

completely. My car took a relapsed momentarily earlier this week. Yep it popped it's tire and screwed it's wheel alignment.

To this I say bah humbug. It's Christmas fault.

Christmas is evil.

EVIL!

But I still want my gifts.

From the Frozen Light

I feel like I'm floating again. Feels just like last time. I jump about three feet into the air. then I hold my palms parallel to the floor and I just will myself to stay there and i do. I float over the ground. I have to be dreaming but I'm not sure. I finally come down to the ground with something of a bang.

I will finish this later.

Even the End has its Beginning

French I Final Exam: This was easily the most simple exams on a foreign language I've ever taken. The test was not based in the world of knowledge but recognition. I loved it.(especially since I did not study for that test last night. Not saying i did nothing last night. I was more concerned with writing my essay for Eng. Comp. I) Yep I think I aced my French test and therefore drug my grade out of the failing range.

The other day my sister called. She was talking to me about God. She says that she has been praying for me and my father. She says she's worried about us. I didn't know what to say. Maybe I should consider the whole religion thing more deeply. She says it is really important and because of it she can kinda tel something is wrong with me.

she probably knows already and just refuses to accept the knowledge she already has. About two and a half years ago I kept a journal. It was actually during the time that i had just met Tyrone. We had been friends about three months. I was crazy about him and i often wrote about it in my journal. Luckily I don't think she read that part but she did read the part were I said i thought I was bisexual. I think it kinda fucked her over a bit. She was upset for a few days then she just got over it real quick and never said another word about it. I think she chose voluntary amnesia or something. Maybe it's seeping to the top of her mind now. I don't know.

there is a battle among us. A war and we are merely pawns thrown to the wolves. This war takes place not in some far off land, not in the streets of our cities, not even on our schoolyards, but in the deepest recesses of our hearts. the war for our souls is a dangerous one. One that shall never end. Neither side is strong enough to defeat the other. Only capable of maintaining a balance.

that's my haphazard view on religion. Maybe the Chinese had it right when they spoke of yin and yang.

I have been trying to write this silly essay for two days now and it only get harder. Why? Why can't i write a silly essay? Do i lack motivation? Maybe so, But I'll write the SOB anyway.

Last Night

Last night was my friends Christina's birthday. I planed to take her to the movies and to dinner or something like that. I invited just about everyone I knew because I knew that half of them would not come. The crowd slowly shrank(as expected to four people including myself. Scot, Kristina, Christina, Ryan(Kristina's boyfriend) and me. we waited until about 9:45 for Christina to call and say she was ready to go. When she finally called I picked her up and we all left in Sot's car to go to mobile to the movies....blah,blah, blah. (the details of the movie are a little useless.we saw Little Nicky that is all that counts.) Okay on the way back Christina was her usual jovial self, whilst Kristina was a little quiet. I wonder what she was thinking. Scot rubbed my leg. ( yeah)

Alright after Scot dropped us off at McDonald's so we could retrieve our cars he proceeded to hug me and Christina then he dry humped me while Christina screamed cuz she was caught up in it. I like it when Scot humps me. It makes me feel safe. Actually i just feel good with him. Anyway as I drove Christina home she started going on and on about Scot. You see Scot is so cute and fine in his on way. It's not that he's super sexy cause he's not. He's just got something about him. The face of a teenager, the intellect of an "adult" and charm out of this world. I just feel good with him, but he's straight. how sad. Anyway I think he would be perfect for Christina

Titles

whoever asked why I keep changing the title of my diary, this is for you.

I change the title of my diary so much because i change the exact same way. I might have one title one week because I'm in that mood. Or i found some grouping of words that just means something to me in my little twisted world. I believe this is why some people give certain sections of books titles of their own. It's to differentiate the moods.

Thank you. and good night.

Ooh Touch Me...

Once upon a time when I was in the third or fourth grade I met a boy. Not just any boy a really cute boy. I was in a program for gifted students. (I still don't know how I pulled of that scam) Oh yeah..giftewd...students. We were in the back of this old dirty gymnasium in some rat infested classroom because that's the only place they could put us. Anyway the boy, who was "surprisingly" white was very pleasing on the eyes, and very smart. Anyway, one day we all went to the bathroom and stood around this "thing" we were expected to pee in. we did pee on several occasions. Anyway the only problem with this type of pee "thing" was that you could see what everyone else was packing. I often took it upon myself to take a quick survey of the room. (so much fun, so young.)

One day it was me and the white boy. As always i took it upon myself to look and realized he was looking to. I was "kinda" shocked. I never had someone look back. Anyway he reached over and grabbed me. Then he let go and left.

I just felt like taking a walk down memory lane as I stare at Dale( severely cute guy 2 seats over.) I'm going to marry him one day.

I Knew

Finally Finally, I have the proof that I need. I know. Simple as that. I know, actually I knew.But I am certain now. I n addition to Michael Trevis likes me. He finally said it. I got him to say it. Golly, it was to easy. He asked me if Tyrone and I were in a relationship. I said no and told him sorry. Then I went back and said yes I wanted to be in a relationship. He then made some remark about how me and Michael are the only people he could see himself involved with seriously right now. [Okay, I paraphrased a little but I'm trying to condense a conversation here!]

I knew it. For him to equate me with the looooovvvvvve of his life Michael has got to mean something. But I told him I don't see him that way even if we have had sex a couple of times.

Oh God. I was so mean to him. I just told him no then move right along without considering his feelings. Oh I'm sooooo bad. Not! well maybe today.

I Have Got To Stop Dreaming

You ever see those TV shows where the guy or girl is daydreaming about a stranger walking over and just fucking the Hell out of them.

Well I having one of those dreams about almost every person in this Library. Especially this cute number right across from me.

This probably isn't good for me today. I'm trying to keep my happy stick in check today.(I'm being a rebel. I'm hangin' free. I'm...I'm... to lazy to was my clothes so I have no underwear to wear. HAHA.) Anyway got to keep myself in check don' need to accidentally poke some one's eye out.

I had a very interesting dream last night. i dreamed I overcame my fear of snakes(not likely) and my friend was playing with one near me. I didn't think anything of it until someone came over and started fighting over the snake with him. Well naturally the snake did not like this so it started snapping at both of them. they figured they should hold it s mouth shut and they did. But all of a sudden this lady runs over and says let the snake go because it can still get them. Just then the snakes body splits open and starts taking in the face of one of the guys. At that point I felt it necessary to wake up.

Very weird dream. Cute snake. Weird dream.

(in french) Hubert

His name sounds so much sweeter in french. But then again it reminds me of goobers and i hate those things. so I guess its a bad association. Well Hubert, Tyrone that boy...these three acted as one and read my diary. The three probaly blushed when they saw all the things i wrote about him.

I'm glad he read it though. It is hard for me to articulate with words exactely what I feel. I really don't like talking about myself. luckily I can write for days and days on end about myself. I could probaly write for centuries on just how splendid a burning leaf could be if it realized it were burning.

I hope he understands me better now. He probaly understood me already though. He does have one of the best perspectives of who I am. God I miss our conversations that would go late into the night until we realized that we had just spent five ours talking about nothing at all. I miss the way he use to look at me.

I can live without it though. I must. Maybe I can find someone who will appreciate my little oddball ways as much as he did.

My friend Tracy broke up with her boyfriend. Well actually he broke up with her. I on the other hand want to get with her btu she has sworn off guys. The sad part is that i can't help but believe her bacause i know she is bi. Oh the humanity. I need Tracy. She could be the Yin for my Yang. Probaly not be she is so beautiful.

Oh Gawd! I doting on a girl. So sad.....maybe not.

Headline

How's this for a newspaper headline: Student stops in Middle of Highway to sing and dance as he preaches About the crime of not sleeping.

yeah I don't think it will make it either. But I actually would like to be out somewhere singing and dancing. Actually...just dancing. I can barely talk right now so I really don't think I could sing. I'm am so bored and so tired. I didn't go to sleep until about 3:15 last night. It's my fault though. I was watching center stage. I think I love that movie. I should have took ballet. I have grace, strength, an undying urge to blister my toes. I could make it...right.....RIGHT!?

Anyway, i want to go out somewhere. NOW!, but I must stay here and make a vain attempt to make my self smarter... I just want to go to the frieaking arcade. I'm dying here. Well not dying, but close.

I over slept this morning. Made myself a whole ten minutes late to class. YEAH! I failed my take home test in that class though. YEAH? ****lesson for today taking a test after being out of bed for ten minutes does not work. It is only a waste of you time.****

My throat doesn't feel like glass anymore. It feels like a bloody slime ball.

I'm worried. I can't pick a line of thought and stick to it. damn fragments. psynapsis popping way to fast. Actually probaly too slow. I need sex. I want sex. SEEEEXXXXXXXXXX! With that stated i also want a book. A good book. A book on the life of Arcadia.

My sister told me some stories of demons that her friend and her friends family have encountered. Are demons real. I could be the next buffy. Well not Buffy. TOMMIE the Vampire Fucker!

My show would so be on that whole Must see T.V. thing.

I'm rambling. slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowly slowing down. bring the bus to a stop. Putting the driver on the curb. Backing up over his leg. then using the leg to get a real boost as I gun the bitch. Riding down the Freeway to a toll booth. Oh shit this bus is wired to explode if I go below 55. Sorry toll booth lady.

Where is everyone. Why will no one talk to me. Will someone help me answer the voices in my head. The bastards are getting a little unruly.

Tyrone read my diary.

Losing Religion?

LOsing religion, losing faith, no longer believing in the Grand design. Damn atheist. Damn "Christian" Hypocrites.

What is the point of religion. where did it come from? Why is it necessary? If there is some divine entity why is it so obsessed with us. Are we so special? I want nothing more in the world than to just be left untouched. Not because I want to run hellishly through the world causing pain and suffering to small children, but because I just want to relax, spread my wings, think...without thinking that there is this shark person cruising around in my head cataloging all my thoughts.

How do you lose religion? In the south you simply get pissed off. But is it actually possible to lose your religion. If you have had any contact with any religious happening you have been affected. It, the experience, has been internalized. You now have the shine. I guess youcould call it that. For the rest of your life it will affect you. It will help form who you are. Actually just like any other experience does. It is no different than falling of a bike, getting a dog, being attacked and maimed by said dog. All these experiences have their affect. Now why is it that religious things get some extra weight in forming you.

Okay enough of that. Just rambling anyway.

I read the most interesting diary. Candy Perfume Boy. very interesting. Very deep. Not quite as superficial as the other mutherfuckers runnning around here.

Does It Qualify?

I wonder have I been having a bad day or not so I'll just explain it up until this point.

1. I went to bed TODAY at about 1 then got up at about 7 so I could go to school.

2. When I woke up my throat felt like I had been force fed glass.

3. My nose runs whenever I am near a crowd of five or more.

4. My cold and my job and my lack of sleep has left me feeling tired. So tired that I actually feel a little delirious. I ran a red light after coming to a complete stop. I was so worried I get a ticket.

5. I forgot my papers to audit my class so i had to drive back home and get them.

6. On the way back my stomach started hurting really bad and I realized that if I didn't make it home soon I would ruin my car seat.

7. When i got home my father was here and started shouting at me for coming home in the middle of the day.

8. I haven't eaten since about 4pm yesterday.

9. That headache I had yesterday is staring to creep back.

10. My family is making ride to Jackson to watch a football game in freezing weather.(I love them so much)

Personally I think its a good day, but it might just be me and my damn rosy eyed look on life again. what do you think?