I'm Sorry I Can't Have Sex With You

My friend Trevis has been bugging me about having sex with him... again.

I have refused his offer about six times all ready but he knows that he is starting to wear me down. He knows that I want a little sex, but he should know that I refuse to be an easy lay. He is whining because he has gone almost three weeks without getting some. Personally I think that is his fault. He and I both know a nympho who would love to pleasure Trevis with his body. Hell if I could get in touch with the boy I would take him up on it. He is so fine. But I am not having sex for a while. Not that I'm abstinent or anything. It's just that I decided that I wouldn't again until I felt I was ready. Besides last time I gave Trevis a blow job I got diarrhea. Very unnice.

Besides I don't really like him that way. And it is a major turnoff to hear him talking about all these guys that he likes. Oh God he has found another person that I went to high school with who is gay. I knew about this person the entire time but I never was certain. This guy named Fernando (Mr. Tatoo...he put that in my senior book under his name.)

(((((((((intense moment))))))))))

Was I surrounded by gay people and just refused to see it. have I shielded my eyes from the light that enveloped everyone around me.........

)))))))moment over(((((((

Oh the things around me. Maybe I should come out. I damn near blurted it out to my mother Sunday. Thank God I had to go to work. There is a good chance that i would have been homeless right now.

Still, I think they should know....eventually...at least.

Oh this guy that I knew from high school read my diary. Turns out he is gay.oo. I have been surrounded and never knew. Maybe I should buy some glasses. Or some pills.

My Manager

I did not get home from work until 2 in the fucking morning last night. I am so sleepy it makes no since. I t may not have been so bad if my manager had not been some bizarre guy that you actually read about. This guy fits the profile of a "geek" exactly.

He's 24, with curly hair, a bald spot on the top of his head, he refuses to shave the rest of his hair so he pulls it back into a ponytail. He's overweight, a WEEEEEEEEEE bit more than me. He likes all cartoons, star trek, star wars, Pokemon, you know crap like that.

I made the mistake last night of actually trying to be friendly. What was I thinking?! He followed me around the store for about a hour and a half explaining Pokemon(the game), the star wars history, and various other things that I had never considered in my entire life. Like role-playing, He has this weird name for himself on the Internet... Okay I'm gonna st op calling him on things that I think are bizarre but I will say that he makes me a little sad. He has only on friend in the world and that guy is leaving. So he'll probably be lonely. Keep in mind though I shall fight my natural impulses and I will not offer my self up as a friend like I normally do to people like that.

I tell myself to look beyond there weird qualities and find something good about them and focus on that. That how I ended up with a stalker so I'm not gonna be doing that anymore.

I'm going to class now.

Wait, I could have been able to stand all his little benign comments about Pokemon and star track, but he has this look about him that just made me nervous. It's kind of a heavy lidded stare that is just creepy. Now. Class. Bye.

A Simple Observation

What makes a room beautiful?

Could it be the design? Could it be the occupants of the room? Could it be the furnishing? Could it be the mood you are in? Could it be the odor?

May be one or all of those things but to me a room can't exactly be called beautiful until you turn all the lights off and look at it under the unyielding scrutiny of the sun. (wait. let me stop and say that someone smells like old person and tobacco.) Anyway, If a room can look nice without the aid of lighting schemes and crap like that then its nice. What is even better though is if that same room looks beautiful in a completely different way in moonlight. You probably wondering were I'm going with this.

I honestly don't know, but I was sitting in my church's sanctuary yesterday and decided to turn all the lights off. It was pretty early in the afternoon so there was a pretty good bit off light. With all the lights off the room looked incredibly nice. It was by no means beautiful but nice. (BEAUTIFUL IS A TITLE SAVED FOR CATHOLIC CHURCHES MOSTLY IN EUROPE)

I guess a person could be beautiful the same way as a room. Once you strip away all the pretentious bullshit. Some people are physically beautiful but lacking any inner beauty..maybe...to much crap.

I'm tired of making sense of that.

My french teacher is ill. Actually very ill. Heart trouble. Last week she had a blood clot that must have found its way to her heart and clogged on of the valves. She had to have open heart surgery. Well now she has an infection and the doctors are still deciding to either go in or give her medicine. I n high school I would have been a little happy with this but now that I am paying for this it doesn't seem as nice.

She's been sending us assignments from home. Or the hospital. Or somewhere like that. The assignments have been getting dumber and dumber every time I go to class.

Homeward

Is it wrong to see the street that you live on and just turn in the other direction? Are you ill if you see you house and get an overwhelming sense of dread? Why is it that some people intentionally take the longest route home? Shouldn't people like this just move? Should these people turn to a life of crime? (joking)

Give me some input and I'll give you my reason for asking.

I Think I'm Sick

anemia. I think I'm anemic. My mother was....is....whatever. I never have enough energy. I know I don't sleep enough but I always...sometimes make that up on weekends. who cares if I sometime see stairs and moan painfully. I'm probably just blowing lack of sleep out of proportion. Yep that is it. Sleep. Saturday. First order of business . Get back in bed until 9. yep that is my plan.

Oh God. I think I'm trapped with two gay me at work. Ones cute the other is just loud. Eddie and Edward. Eddie is clearly older and more mature but he can get loud.

Edward I think is still in high school and hasn't quite developed good control of the volume button. All I heard last night was this horrible racket. Sounds like two women with colds or something.

I don't like those type of men by the way. My ears start to bleed if exposed to them for to long. I like my mens to be mens. Not mens tryin' to be womens or soundin' like womens. But I wouldn't mind a woman right now either.

This is the problem of my life. I can never decide what I want if given an option of two. Especially if I like both. So I tend to try to take both or switch the two periodically. hence, the whole bi thing. At least with me. I love everyone. Sometimes though I know what I want, and right now my little man says go shoppin' for a little female. you runnin' low at the moment. But I don't want sex. I'm trying(repeat TRYING) to abstain from any sexual contact. this includes oral and kissing as well as any form of penetration. I'm doing this until at least the end of January.

I was starting to feel like something of a call boy.

Click

allow me to paint a picture

I'm sitting in a large room, a church sanctuary actually. The length of the room is poorly lit by about 30 sixty watt light bulbs. I'm sitting near the back of the church fighting to stay awake as a preacher of about 6feet 2inches bends down to a little microphone and screams something about faith and water. Well the picture isn't complete unless you know that his voice is so fake and so terribly "refined" that it makes me want to puke. After every sentence he does this whole gasping thing that sounds like a heavy wooden chair being dragged by a two year-old across the floor. I don't like the way this guy looks. He's about thirty with a flat top. Flat tops are a crime to me, Really a crime. he has these horrible black rimmed glasses and he is hunching his back so that his mouth can be about three inches from the microphone. And right now I really hate him. But I can't really concentrate in that right now because all that i see is a candle and an orchid on a table. kinda like something you should meditate at. That is all I can think about. God is lost on me right now. All i see is a need to meditate and at least make myself feel that my mind is expanding to fill the room, but that is impossible right now. I couldn't possibly fill this room. I can barely feel my head. But i can't meditate here. not in the middle of God's "house". I wonder if i took a piece of carpet in a bottle would God come to take it back like a button on his shirt that fell to the floor.

When Should I Leave

I think I should move out my parents house. I really love them but i feel like they are purposely choking the life out of me. I just want to go out sometime and not have a curfew slapped on me. I only go out once a week any way.

this is what I'm thinking. I have been all but visualizing myself living away from my parents. I think I should leave. Why can't i say what I mean!!!

disregard this entry. My brain has dripped on the floor again.SHIT!

Damn Withdrawal

i think that I am seriously broken. I so miss McDonald's. I miss the nice people. Some of the guys. Okay one of the guys but I'll get over it.

I work for blockbuster now. I just don't feel like learning the stuff. I kept dozing off in orientation. But that damn movie was so boring and the actors, who all worked for Blockbuster, were so stupid that I actually started to feel insulted.

They got me driving 52 miles round trip just to go get training. If some of those guys at that damn place were kinda cute I would act a damn fool.

okay different thought.

Have you ever just ran into a point in your life were you felt it was absolutely necessary for you to increase your vocabulary or actually use the one that's at your disposal. Some people may call that just trying to sound smart. I think they are right. I, right now, want to sound as smart as I know I am. I'm not tooting my own horn but I just want to be taken seriously sometimes. I always seem to be taken for a joke by some of the people who know me. That really pisses me off. I'm really getting pissed off right now because I can all but feel something blocking my brain. I can't think right. I can't ever articulate just what it is i want to say, and when I finally do say whatever it is I want to say the way I want to say it people just stare at me. Sometimes I feel like I'm surrounded by loud-mouth, stoned, glassy eyed, drunken idiots, and the feeling is so fucking stifling. Sometimes I just get so frustrated that I HAVE to leave the room quickly.

Maybe I'm just stuck up. But I really don't want to feel that way. I just don't want to feel stupid or be surrounded by "stupid" people. Even though there are no truly people and the idea of and average person is a little obscene. I just want people around me who have a desire to learn something new or just like to discuss their thoughts. Hell! If they have there own theories like my friend Kristina i absolutely fall in love with them. Maybe that's wrong.

Tre Chic

I thought for a brief moment that Christina my have found a way for me to meet some one. I thought he might be pretty cool to mess around with. But what i didn't know was that I can't stand to meet people and talk to them before seeing them. Especially when they allow you to ramble on like some stupid bitch who is satisfied at the sound of there on voice. Of course you don't know what I mean.

Some time last week or the week before that I took it upon myself to follow my friend Christina's lead and post an ad on Yahoo. you can check it out if you wish. It is under "Oryh". Anyway I got a few responses but only one I wanted to really reply to. So i did. This guy had the an interesting name to me: Tray. Well I talked to him., Got him on my little messenger thingy. ( by the way that is MSN messenger..feel free to IM me. I'm Oryhazard@hotmail.com) Well we talked. We were talking good to up until the point that I said I'm black. All of a sudden he stopped adding to the conversation. I being the liberal minded person that I am refused to think that maybe he did not feel comfortable with me being black. So I continued talking. He said nothing. then he said he had to go. He also said he would get back on later that night.

He never got back on.

He sent me an e-mail the next day saying he was sick. I believed him. So I talked to him later that night. He said he was feeling better and then went right back to being quiet and letting me go long moments talking to my self. I give.

I give up. I can't take it when people don't talk back. Could he not like black people. Could it just be that I'm boring. I think I'll just go back to reading books and just totally give up on trying to find love in Mississippi or the south for that matter. All the guys seem to be crazy, horny, dangerous, or just anti-social......don't forget stupid.

At Long Last

Sunday October 13, 2000 I worked my last day at McDonald's. I have freed myself from the workings of a horrible conglomerate. I have washed my hands of hungry people and their starving children. I AM FREE I will try to never return to McDonald's again and if I must I will return in a different capacity then when I left. McDonald's holds some of my greatest memories. I had an opportunity to get drunk because I worked there. I smoked pot because I worked there. I was exposed to some of the saddest people that I've ever known and loved because I've worked there. I have fallen in love countless times because I have worked there. For these reason, I don't think McDonald's is the devils work but a sick amalgamation of the devil and Ronald McDonald. I'll miss my days there. I'll miss our discussion on bigamy and all its true merits. I'll miss feeling Michael's balls in the palm of my hand as he gasps in shock. Au revoir, my friends

Sorry

I wonder why are people so fake to each other. It is against several peoples religion to lie yet they do it so much. And what makes it worse is the fact that these lies are embraced even cherished. Let's just be honest here. If someone that you've seen only a few times in your life and you barely even know their name makes the statement my mother died or my aunt died or i got into a car accident you don't really care. You're not sorry. To tell the truth you might be a little annoyed by their crying or whatever. Why do people say they are sorry when they are not. I try hard not to say things I don't mean. If someone isn't welcome or whatever I don't say it. If something is not nice I don't say it.

I hate it when people say they are sorry and don't mean it. The power of that word has been lost to us. It has become nothing more than a "polite" little phrase that means nothing.

And that is my point hardly anything stands for something. Not that it ever did. The suffering of a child on TV doesn't move you to give money its the rambling on of some stupid heifer who is dressed far better than some of the people in her home country are. What is the purpose of pain, and uncertainty, and death.

There is no purpose.

There may be no divine reason. The best we can do is carry on with our trivial little lives. Try to be nice to each other. Try to make our own purpose. Live happily, peacefully. Religion doesn't secure your soul. Being mindful of your own spirituality does. Make your place in the stars.

Girls, Girls, Just a Few Girls

I'm bi. That much should be a given. For a while though I thought I might be gay. I could never find a girl who could just spark my interest and then actually keep me going. I like guys more than girls. I was pretty much coming to accept that. Now, though, I think I'm in Love.

Well not so much love as shock, pleasure, maybe infatuation. I don't know,but one of my friends who i haven't been necessarily close to but have known for very ;long time has suddenly gotten me interested. Her(shocking) name is Amanda. She is beautiful but not in a conventional way. She is pleasant to the eyes but that is not what makes me feel for her. She is amazing. Very smart, she has vision.

What made me even consider her? A single conversation. We had a simple conversation. We discussed the different styles of Clive Barker, Anne Rice, and Stephen King. It was a very nice conversation but we both reached the conclusion that we don't like Stephen King's style.

I don't know if I like her or just the idea of being able to have a intelligent conversation. I have been looking for someone to talk to intelligently for years. That is why my mom says I'm just a little picky. but that is just the way she raised us. Actuality that what we decided we wanted from observing my parents. I know my mother had to just be settling for some thing with my father. She is so smart. She had such great potential but the bastard got her pregnant. I know I should probably be happy cause I eventually got here but it kills me to know just how much she could have been doing. It's the same way for my father. before he got my mom pregnant he was playing semi-pro football. He could have been famous eventually.

I finish this tomorrow. I can't gather my thoughts properly. tired

Poets

why is the entire world brimming with closet poets. Everyone I meet has some type of ballad or verse that they have been holding back since they were twelve. I know it is oddly inspiring but on the same note its kinda sad. I don't know why, but I think it is.

Maybe I'll write a poem or something like that.

I Can Cook

Let see yesterday while talking about my dream I burned some brownies. How is that for being able to cook. No bother you just smother dem bastards in some milk and feed them to the dog. NO one will ever Know!

I Still Got It

Once, about three months ago.(hold on)

I just realized that I have never gotten the point of going into lengthy introductions. Why be formal if you are just going to assume no one is ever going to read what you write. Why try to satisfy a reader or anyone for that matter. My comp. 1 teacher says you should always be aware of your audience, but how is your audience ever to know you if you insist on conforming to their wishes. I'm sure that Dickens read just like a normal book in his day because he remained true to what bothered him, but now, we must bend over backwards and relearn our vocabulary to even get a sense of what he meant. All good writers accept that their audience will die out and in doing so make themselves immortal.

Anyway back to my little vision on top of the bridge. One day about three months ago I was a little depressed. Okay a lot depressed but I hate to admit such things to myself. As I was driving over this bridge to get to my job McDonald's I suddenly thought about the greatest thought, the greatest act. Destruction. don't know why. I just thought it. I figure now that in destruction or in the coming of possible destruction we do our greatest works. just look at the Greeks. They beat the Persian army all those years ago. 6000 to 200000. that is a feat to be seen and then feared. Destruction is one of the greatest motivators. Anyway, immediately after my little thought I just heard some voice ...I imagine it to be an Australian man who has spent the majority of his life in England and has now found himself sitting at a little sticky table in IHOP. At the top of his lungs he proclaims, "Is this what you Americans call BUTTER!!?" Of course he's looking down at a stack of pancakes with this little dome looking mound of a yellow heart attack and he is truly disgusted.

Why I thought that, I don't know . Immediately upon reaching McDonald's I told all my co-workers the complete gist of my thought and was promptly told that I am a fool. A complete fool. And they wished me to calm down. You see my depression was over. I knew again that I was still spontaneous and original. And that my mind lacked any sense of organization. In short I was still me. I had not allowed my attempts to protect myself from the words of my classmates had not destroyed the part of me that I loved and cherished most. my Imagination. even though it tends to scare others I still loved it. It always gives me something to say. It always helps me see the angles that other people miss for whatever reason. My imagination. My one true treasure in the world.

Of course I slept good that night and had the greatest day when I woke up.

Skimming

As always I just suddenly had a thought and decided I would write about it. Of couse it led to other things but, first, the thought. As many timies as I pressed the random button I only got the diaries of females. Trust me I have nothing against females but sometimes you wonder what guys are thinking. So I said 'let us go find the diaries of guys'. So I skimmed over the index. Lo and behold I saw like five guy diaries on a page with like 150 girls. It was astonishing really. Which brings me to my question. Why don't more guys like to keep track of their lives. Not even that. Why don't more guys write? period. Well Of course from the diaries I found I happened upon three norms for guys ages 13-18. Hate and depression and sex. Are these the only three thoughts that come from guys in this age group. I know aty one time I was there but I never let my self dwell on it. This one guy was screaming so much hate at the world and getting such horrible reponses that it made me laugh. I just don't see how a sixteen yearold cqan be so upset with the way the country is going. It's good that he watches the news and all but I'm worried that he may one day be the news. We should all be happy like me. Happiness does live in an orange bottle...I know.

Realization

This will be really quick, I really want to see this movie. I don't think I realized just how much I much I missed people. Not just people but the love of other people. What I mean is, Yesturday, at work I was just a wee bit stressed out. Seeing as how I was just called in I figured they could at least be a little more helpful to me in Drive-thru, but alas I was dreaming again. Well as the night started to draw to a close and my temper started to flare uncontrolaby a few customers came in. two guys and a girl to be exact. well the first guy and the girl were not important. The guy with the blond hair he was important. He took it upon himself to say how much he hated certain aspects of our store. Because of his desire to make his hate known I instantly liked him, but then he did not have a straw so I gave him one. do you know what he said, He said that he loved me. I couldn't do anything but look at him. I know he did not mean it, but I was just frozen. I wish he did mean it. I wish that there was someone who could just say they love me. I didn't know just how much I missed people. I've never been frozen. Ever. I don't know what I should do next. But I'll figure it out.

I Want Some Too

I have a lot of love to share with the world. I have beautiful things that I would love to say and do for people, but I can't get anyone to take me serious. I honestly want to at least try a relationship with a girl. I think women are beautiful and special but I can't get one to listen to me long enough to realize my true passion.

I iknow I'm at a slight disadvantage with women, they are not my first love, but I still want to know them in ways other than "friends".

That is my near the end of the year resolution. I am so going to get a girlfriend and have some wild sex.

Maybe I'll hook up with some guy after that......

hehe

Why Are People So Stupid

I don't even think all people are stupid, just the ones that I like. There is this guy that I work with, Michael. Oh, how I love him. He just doesn't know it. He has the most beautiful blue eyes in the world. He is so intelligent. You can talk to him about anything for hours at a time. The only drawback for me is that he is straight. Not only straight, but so straight that when he sees a mildly attractive girl he has these......these visions....I guess you could call them that. Visions of him and the girl in some of the most lurid and disgusting sexual situations I have ever heard. How do I know all this, he tells me. He sticks to me while at work like I'm the only person who ever looked at him and not found him retarded. The only other drawback to Michael is that he has no real common sense. So when I got frustrated one day and said that I was bi he just laughed it off like I was joking, again. He still talks to me and I still love him. This has been going on for about nine months now and i can't take it anymore. Sometimes I just want to take him and kiss him so passionately but i don't want to lose him for it. It is so frustrating knowing him, and he just doesn't know how much it hurts me when he says things like gay men should be put in a rocket and sent away. How I just want to hit him. I do some times to. I think I managed to ween him off of proclaiming everything as being gay. Maybe one day he'll see what I feel for him. Maybe he'll see the way I look away when he says somethings. Maybe I'll tell him all this when I quit. I found a new job at blockbuster video. No more McDonald's for me. I'm off to greener pastures now. I know I'll miss him though. That is for sure.

The World Falling

I really think it is true. The world is falling. Not that i ever thought it to have found some balance on some little tack or something. I t is falling I'm sure. I think I am the only one who could change it. I can fix it. I know I can, or at least that is what I heard in my sleep.

Maybe I should start small. Here in the south people seem to be getting married at younger and younger ages. Call me wrong if it pleases you but I don't think anyone should consider marriage until they are at least 25 and flung themselves screaming over the side of a bridge with a rubber band attached to their ankles. I'm just old fashioned...forgive me.

Some of my friends just don't share that opinion though. 2 of my friends, we'll call them Nay and gizmo, graduated with me from high school only recently. They have already gotten married even though they argued like they were going to kill each other almost everyday. I really never did understand them and there type of "love" but whatever it is I soo don't want any. I'm sure you get hives or something.

Oh screw them.

I'm really upset about my friend Tina. She knows that she should consult me before putting her shoes on. I would quickly do the same. But she didn't this time and somehow she met this guy over the Internet. Decided to meet him and brought him back to her dorm room wee he promptly started to grope her. Of course she finally heard my voice in her head and told him she could no longer do this and he was to leave. Hooray for her, but this guy knows where her dorm is. Why does no one listen to the voice of reason anymore. Why will they not listen to me? Well if i can get her and my guy friend back in line at least the world will not land so hard on its face.

Help... Please

I have a slight problem, but the only thing is that it is not really my problem to begin with. Well it is a problem, one that i feel I should help solve.

My friend has recently grown attached to sex shops. He really loves going there and meeting people. Well recently he met two guys and promptly had sex with them BOTH in a hotel room. He explained to me that they are talking about "going out" again an introducing him to one of their friends. I really don't think he should be doing anything like this at all but I'm really concerned for him because he is still in high school.

What should I do? I mean, should I continue to shy away from screaming whore at the top of my lungs and slap him roughly. Now keep in mind this has nothing to do with me and him having sex earlier this year. Nothing at all. actually it has a lot to do with the way he has been totally crushing on one of my other friends and the way that I think he is just to young to be taking part in such activities. He is only 17; to, to, to young.

Advise please!

Standard Issue

I realize now that there has to ba a standard issue sense of humor. Or I could start a standard by giving out examples of my humor to random people. You see I just got through having a conversation with the most interesting people in the world.

And, as always the conversation eventually ended up being me and the wacky things that I do and how I am so bizarre. Even thoiugh I am singularly the most tame person you will probaly ever meet.

Sure,as they pointed out, I have a slight tendency to choke people. I'm sorry that is all you can expect from me. What they don't know is that I just want an excuse to be close to someone. No one ever hugs me it seems like. But I do some things that just seem bizarre. And whenever a group of people who know me get together they always seem to end up comparing war stories or something. I think that for that reason i should get some trading cards started.

Oh yeah, my friends Scot T. And Scott J. came over. eventually the conversationed degenerated into Scot T. proclaiming himself to be gay while Scott J. looked on uncomfortably. My friends Amanda and Traci were there along with a group of assorted strangers who just found it necessary to wonder out of there classes to come and see what the hell we were talking about. Then they too seemed ujncomfortable but somehow mesmerized by wha we were talking about. I think its just something about Scot T. He just has a way of drawing people to him and just holding there attention. I admit it I think he is a beautiful person. No, not just gentle on the eyes but beautiful as a whole. If I never saw him I would still enjoy his company. Sadly though, he is not gay. He proclaimed that he would never take it up the ass and he would "drag his teeth." I promise you I did not teach him that term.

Oh yeah, while he was making himself known. I was forced to be his little puppet so as to make his story more believable. I'm not out so I took it upon myself to appear as uncomfortable as is possible.....but I did like it when he touched me. That's just because I like people touching me.....it being Scot was just a bonus.

well I have to go to class. BYe