Afro Samurai

The Ignoring of Afro Physics

Look at this picture. Look long and hard. It looks really cool doesn't it? This guy looks like he could either force your bitch ass to buy a car or at least sell GAP jeans, but one thing is wrong with him. Do you see it? Look carefully.

Yeah you see it. The Afro. It is moving.

Afros on black people do not move, but of course Japanese people don't know this.

This is a picture of the Afro Samurai, the brainchild of Takashi Okazaki, a Japanese dude. Afro Samurai has lots of famous hip-hop people involved with it and Samuel Jackson being a new type of annoying, he plays Afro's imaginary friend, big mouthed, white haired, ninja guy who can adhere to damn near anything and talk about nonsense for a little over three hours without breaking a sweat.

Oh and you heard right. The character is named Afro. It isn't a nickname, well it might be but they never mention it in the show. Japanese people never cease to amaze me with their creativity.

Anyway what upsets me about this show is the fact that many black people were involved in the making of this show yet never felt it necessary to mention the laws of Afro physics. I list the for you.

Afro Physics: Laws and Theories (on black people)

1. The hair of an afro does can not move in the presence of a light wind.

2. Given a strong wind an afro may be slightly affected by said wind, but the the afro may not flow in the damn wind.

3. Dammit wind has little to no affect on AFROS!!!

4. As with any other type of hair afros are affected by water. After the water is gone an afro has to be resuscitated through the use of a pick or prayer and a good bit of ibuprofen.

5. Although afros seem magical they are not and and afro has yet to support the weight of any person. A spear to the center of an afro will meet a skull not more hair.

In the show Afro Samurai all of these rules were ignored repeatedly. Like every five minutes. Especially the whole billowy thing. Like they should have named him Permed Afro Samurai cause I ain't ever seen an afro do all that crazy shit.

Did I mentioned I watched the entire show yesterday. It was only five episodes. I like it even if they don't understand afros.

When In Rome?

I often find myself complaining about Japan. To my friends and to my students. I try not to, but it is so hard. You see Japan is not America. Try as it will it just can't jump that hurdle into America land, and that is OK. At least I tell myself, but time and again I find that all of my complaints about Japan are summed up in simply as it ain't America. The United States of America to be exact.

I sometimes share my feelings about Japan with some of my students. I know they don't like it. They never question the foundation of their belief systems. Why would they? They have lived in it their whole lives. It is so hard to evaluate your current position in life from your current position in life. That can be applied to thoughts, practices, national identities easily. Challenging my students with my opinions often ends up with me getting that greatest of Japanese weapons, the Wall of Silence. They literally fold their arms and space out until I changed the conversation to something light and airy like how the U.S. is responsible for the moral, religious, and economic decline of the world. I don't really through that ball out there but if i did I'm pretty sure that they would be more than willing to kick it around for a while.

I recently talked with Tomo, who actually isn't one of my students, about my recent trip to the sex store across the street appropriately named, Pink Zaurus Sexy World. It is three stories of of pink throbbing neon lights. Inside you'll find everything from poo porn to strange floating bench devices. (You strap in and let your struggling drive the "floating" penis in and out of whatever orifice you offer up. ) Also at Sexy World you can find the nastiest most scary bathrooms in Aichi-ken and kiddy porn.

Yes. Kiddy porn.

The porn in question does not show naked children performing sex acts. That would be perverse. This porn material shows little girls, probably no more than 9 or 10, just smiling and doing things that little kids do. Playing with a bicycle, running around outside, playing with a doll. Basically being children. These pictures of little girls were displayed prominently across from the poo porn. I shit you not. I turned away from the on screen poo porn in deep and violent disgust only to be greeted by what could be the face of one of the little girls in my classes.

To say I was surprised would be an understatement. I mentioned this to Tomo and he said that their is a small group of people who consider that a fetish. Then he told me "When in Rome."

I've heard that many time from the Japanese people who are well versed in English, but I'm starting to wonder, "How long must you be in Rome before you are allowed to have an opinion?" I n the U.S. I figure that is is based on your citizenship status. So probably around 7 years. But in those years while waiting to be a full citizen should you just sit by while your ears burn with rage at what you see. Is this what those agree Jihad-ist feel when they look at pictures of America? Disgust? Confusion? A complete lack of a right to say or change anything?

I'm sure I'm reaching here.

My point. I know that I say something about Japan that I may see as wrong I am dismissed almost immediately because I am not Japanese. But when exactly would I stop being dismissed? When will someone listen to me explain why kiddy porn is not a fetish but a serious problem and someone, you nasty perverted men or women, should be beaten in a dark alley with thick lead pipes?


I also realized that in America we are much, much more severe with our punishments for child molestation and shit like that.

Go Team America!

The most upsetting day of my life...

...had to be the day that I realized that Ken had no penis. I was probably around 6 or 7 and prior to then had not really been concerned with penis. I knew it was there. I peed with mine. My dad had one. Actually all the guys around me had one. I had seen them. (I was mad about the cock from an early age.)

One day while playing with my sister's dolls and remarking to myself how well formed Ken was I undressed him and found those hard plastic molded underwear. I was beside myself. I think that one moment made me gay. That moment gave me my life's purpose: to verify that there are no real men in the word with hard, molded plastic underwear.... and no penis.

Hell Barbie at least got a hint of a snatch. All those creases lead somewhere dammit.

I finally did it. I went to the gym for the first time in a year and I even bought a membership. It only cost about 16 dollars for a one month membership. It honestly wasn't that bad either. I don't know if it is because it is Sunday or what not but the gym was full of middle age-ish people or Little kids in their karate get ups. I honestly didn't do that much today. I was in there for maybe 40 minutes. I was still a bit nervous. I can't help myself. I am a nervous person. Tomo says I shouldn't be that way but I can't help it.

He did admit that when a foreigner comes to the gym, especially a black person, the Japanese folks talk. A lot. A bunch of "sugoi's" and "eeehhhhh's". SO he says I should work hard to not embarrass myself in the gym. Isn't he a great motivator?

Bear Force One

Hair- Black Boys/ White Boys

Cold Water

Lately my sleep has been getting pretty fucked up. I think it is stress.

Why am I stressed?

Lets see.... debt. I forgot to pay a few of my bills last month and the month before. Actually it was just two. The power and gas bills in July. I honestly don't know what happened. I just forgot and seeing as how my roommate can't surface from her haze of angst for anything other than throwing a pity party there are very little reminders about bills. She really aggravates me sometimes. I don't understand how some people can not open an envelope with their name on it. Like if something comes from me i have to open it soon. Maybe within the next hour. I have placed enveloped on her desk and watched as she moved the unopened envelope of her desk onto a pie of junk on the table. She wonders why her working visa almost expired before she knew it.

Anyway, Japan doesn't have the common sense that America does. If you miss one of your bill payments I do believe that the power company will simply add it to your next bill. Japan though will send you the bill for the next month with no mention of the previous months missed payment. They will then start flooding you with wave after wave of announcements. I sure they say something about the bill not being paid, but my kanji skills are truly abysmal. (Imagine trying to read The Ugly Duckling when you only know 8 letters of the alphabet and no grammar rules.) They just don't seem helpful sometimes.

This past Thursday they, the gas company, sent a little old bitch out to my apartment at 9:30 in the morning. Yes I know that isn't exactly and ungodly hour, but I was still asleep. When I looked out the peep hole and could barely make out the top of her head I was sorely tempted to answer the door in my bed clothes... nothing.

So I open the door and she has this huge grin on her face and starts rambling something in Japanese and gesturing at a clipboard she is holding. I don't know this bitch from Adam so I am like asking, "Who are you?", in English. You would think that since about 80% of the people in my building have totally unjapanese names and I was speaking English that she would understand that I don't know what the fuck she was saying, but, no. That light never clicked in her head. So we were going back in forth in the doorway for like three minutes. She trying to make her speech and me trying to figure out who she is. I was getting aggravated cause I could I figured she wanted money or to save my soul. (Actually she couldn't want my soul cause the Jehovah's witnesses come prepared for about 30 languages. They have a cute little book.) I was about to shut the door on her but then I realized that she had the door to my gas meter open and then I started to cry on the inside. I hadn't taken a shower yet and I didn't have that much cash on me and I just knew she was gonna turn my shit off.

So I started trying to bargain for time. 1o minutes was all I wanted, but I just didn't know how to say hold on for ten minutes. I know how to say wait, but i haven't learned ten minutes yet. So there we were for another ten minutes. She kept reaching for the gas thing and I kept pointing at her clock and holding up both of my hands. Finally my roommate, the self proclaimed insomniac and speaker of Japanese poked her head out the door and said she had some money. I got it and we paid the bitch.

I was so close to having to bathe in ice cold water, but I was saved. It still doesn't change the fact that my roommate doesn't really consciously contribute to the bill paying process. I just drop a paid bill on her desk and she gives me half. Sometimes I forget. I'm only human. I feel like I am part of a marriage... to a white chick with varicose veins.

You know those things are disgusting.

Back in my teacher days, one day I was asked to keep watch over a classroom while the teacher was out doing...who knows what. Hard narcotics, perhaps. I went out to the classroom and found some ninensei girls chatting inside. Absorbed in conversation, they didn't really hear me as I approached and entered the classroom. Most of the girls were gathered around one girl, who seemed to be explaining something to them.

Girl: Now, there all sorts of different types. Long and thin, short and stumpy, taut, floppy, etc. And some are cut, while others are not.

...What in blue tarnation is she talking about? At this point, I decide to butt into the conversation.

Me: ...What's taut, floppy, cut, uncut, and so forth?

Girls: *gasping, giggling* Oh no, it's Az-sensei!

Girl 1: *unabashed* Oh, you know what we were talking about.Me: ...No I don't. Enlighten me.

Girl 1: Sure you do. It's something you have, but we girls don't.Me: ...An appreciation for full-contact sports?

Girl 1: No...you know.Me: You don't mean...?

Girls: *shy little giggles*Me: Oh God, you do.

Girl 1: Like I was saying, there are all sorts of different types!

Me: And, how would you know about that?

Girl 1: *quickly* Onsens.

Me: ...Onsens?

Girl 1: Yeah, onsens. You know, my father used to take me into the male side when I was younger. I was pretty curious, so I always made observations.

Even if we are to believe her "onsens" story, it's still an absolutely disturbing thought. That somewhere in Japan, right this very minute, there might be a pre-teen girl standing amidst a throng of naked Japanese men, making observations and thinking stuff like "okay, that must be a short and stumpy one."
I decided that whatever the outcome, this wasn't a conversation I wanted to be a part of. I excused myself from the circle and went to sit over at the front of the class. Normally, I would have walked away, but remember, I was supposed to be "protecting" this classroom. The girls continue on with their round-table penis discussion. You know, when I was a 14-year old boy, I don't remember having intimately detailed discussions about the vagina with my male buddies. Any talk about the vagina was limited to how it was a magical candy-filled wonderland, and how much we wanted to go to it.

Anyway, the discussion continues.

Girl 2: Well, what happens during sex? Don't they change?

Girl 1: I'm pretty sure they do.

Girl 3: I heard they get a lot bigger!

Girl 4: I heard they don't get bigger, just harder.

Girl 2: I heard that one too.

Girl 5: Oh, but I've heard about the getting bigger thing as well.

Girl 3: Maybe its both? I dunno...Me: Hey God. If there is a God in Heaven, please, please, PLEASE do *not* let them...

Girl 1: *you can more or less see the lightbulb go off in her head as she turns to me* Hey Az, which one is it? Do they get bigger, or just harder? Or both?

Me: ...To hell I send thee, eh?

Girl 2: C'mon, tell us!

Me: Seriously - why do you think I'd ever enter into a conversation about penises with a group of middle school girls. Do I look THAT irresponsible?

Girl 2: It's not irresponsibility.

Girl 4: Yeah, we're just curious.

Girl 3: Seriously, it's just anatomy.

Girl 1: And if you don't tell us, then we're proabably going to go out and find out from some other source. Can you even think of all the potential trouble a group of 14-year old girls can get into trying to find out what an erect penis is like?

Me: ......Jesus jumpin' jehosevat.

Girl 2: So yeah, you tell us, our curiosity is satisfied, end of the story. Simple, isn't it?

Me: .........Okay, fine.

...I KNOW. Not the best idea. Hindsight is 20/20. Plowing the Titanic through an iceberg field? Not the best idea. Trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees? Not the best idea. Accepting an oral sex maneuver named "The Octopus" from a slutty Japanese girl? Not the best idea. Giving Sarah Silverman her own TV show? Not the best idea.

Me: It depends on the guy.

Girl 1: Huh? What do you mean?

Me: Well, some guys get harder and bigger, while other guys just get harder and the size doesn't change.

Girls: *in unison* Ohhhhhh I see.

Me: Okay, there. I've answered your question. Curiousity over, right? Now can you go back to talking about celebrity gossip or daisies or Hello Kitty or whatever shit you girls talk about?

Girl 2: I see...so some guys get bigger and harder, while some guys just get harder.

Girl 1: Hey Az, which are you?

Me: ....See, there's a question I am NEVER going to answer.

I may be stupid, but I'm not fundamentally retarded...

Chris Hansen: Allright Az, you're going to have to come with me. You're under arrest for inappropriate acts with a Japanese schoolgirl.

Me: What? I never...

Chris Hansen: Our brave young victim has come forth and is speaking out...

Girl 1: Hi Az!

Me: WTF! I never touched that bitch!

Girl 1: Sure you did. You touched me in all my special forbidden places, and then your penis got bigger and harder!

Chris Hansen: I've heard enough. Let's take this sicko away.

***
So Father, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to never use the powers bestowed to my penis for evil again. I will only use it for the betterment of Japanese society, and to improve the quality of life for all humanity as a whole.

~From GaijinSmash.com

Walk it Out

I don't know why I like this picture but I do. It is supposed to represnt my zodiac sign, Taurus.

The weather is changing.

Here in Nagoya the weather, which about a week ago was hot and humid, has turned quickly to dreary and cold. To most people that would be a bad thing, but to me, a long time hater of heat and humidity, this is nothing short of heaven. Heaven I say. I haven't slept this well in months. The sleep of babies you could say. Unfortunately tonight I am not sleeping.

My mind is troubled. Well not troubled, but definitely wondering.

Why do people seek out relationships? Mates really. The answer is easily known with straight people. The continuation of the species. Nothing else could possibly be more important. Yes I know there is more to it than that, but honestly when you get down to it all those damn emotions of love and shit are simply Nature's idea of insurance. Some people are despicable, but they carry good genes and somewhere in the world some weak minded fool will subconsciously see them for the genetic gold they are and instantly fall head over heels with the fool. At least that is what their hot burning, mildly masochistic loins will be telling them.


But that is straight people. When you ask the same question to gays it becomes a little more complicated. We cannot continue the species. We are, for better or worse, one shot deals. If we have golden genes there is a large chance that it will not worm it's way back into the gene pool. So why seek out mates? What is there to gain? A small family? What is a family really? A social group that we grow in our bedrooms or just a collection of people that we decide to be close to? Why go through the pain and heartache of seeking out one person?

So much heartache. Is it necessary?

I don't know. None of us do. The "dastardly duo" is just what most of us has been taught is best. It is what we should work towards. Is it possible to reject it? Are we programmed... REALLY programmed to want someone? to need someone? to not feel peace until we find someone?

Really?

I just don't know...