Back in my teacher days, one day I was asked to keep watch over a classroom while the teacher was out doing...who knows what. Hard narcotics, perhaps. I went out to the classroom and found some ninensei girls chatting inside. Absorbed in conversation, they didn't really hear me as I approached and entered the classroom. Most of the girls were gathered around one girl, who seemed to be explaining something to them.

Girl: Now, there all sorts of different types. Long and thin, short and stumpy, taut, floppy, etc. And some are cut, while others are not.

...What in blue tarnation is she talking about? At this point, I decide to butt into the conversation.

Me: ...What's taut, floppy, cut, uncut, and so forth?

Girls: *gasping, giggling* Oh no, it's Az-sensei!

Girl 1: *unabashed* Oh, you know what we were talking about.Me: ...No I don't. Enlighten me.

Girl 1: Sure you do. It's something you have, but we girls don't.Me: ...An appreciation for full-contact sports?

Girl 1: No...you know.Me: You don't mean...?

Girls: *shy little giggles*Me: Oh God, you do.

Girl 1: Like I was saying, there are all sorts of different types!

Me: And, how would you know about that?

Girl 1: *quickly* Onsens.

Me: ...Onsens?

Girl 1: Yeah, onsens. You know, my father used to take me into the male side when I was younger. I was pretty curious, so I always made observations.

Even if we are to believe her "onsens" story, it's still an absolutely disturbing thought. That somewhere in Japan, right this very minute, there might be a pre-teen girl standing amidst a throng of naked Japanese men, making observations and thinking stuff like "okay, that must be a short and stumpy one."
I decided that whatever the outcome, this wasn't a conversation I wanted to be a part of. I excused myself from the circle and went to sit over at the front of the class. Normally, I would have walked away, but remember, I was supposed to be "protecting" this classroom. The girls continue on with their round-table penis discussion. You know, when I was a 14-year old boy, I don't remember having intimately detailed discussions about the vagina with my male buddies. Any talk about the vagina was limited to how it was a magical candy-filled wonderland, and how much we wanted to go to it.

Anyway, the discussion continues.

Girl 2: Well, what happens during sex? Don't they change?

Girl 1: I'm pretty sure they do.

Girl 3: I heard they get a lot bigger!

Girl 4: I heard they don't get bigger, just harder.

Girl 2: I heard that one too.

Girl 5: Oh, but I've heard about the getting bigger thing as well.

Girl 3: Maybe its both? I dunno...Me: Hey God. If there is a God in Heaven, please, please, PLEASE do *not* let them...

Girl 1: *you can more or less see the lightbulb go off in her head as she turns to me* Hey Az, which one is it? Do they get bigger, or just harder? Or both?

Me: ...To hell I send thee, eh?

Girl 2: C'mon, tell us!

Me: Seriously - why do you think I'd ever enter into a conversation about penises with a group of middle school girls. Do I look THAT irresponsible?

Girl 2: It's not irresponsibility.

Girl 4: Yeah, we're just curious.

Girl 3: Seriously, it's just anatomy.

Girl 1: And if you don't tell us, then we're proabably going to go out and find out from some other source. Can you even think of all the potential trouble a group of 14-year old girls can get into trying to find out what an erect penis is like?

Me: ......Jesus jumpin' jehosevat.

Girl 2: So yeah, you tell us, our curiosity is satisfied, end of the story. Simple, isn't it?

Me: .........Okay, fine.

...I KNOW. Not the best idea. Hindsight is 20/20. Plowing the Titanic through an iceberg field? Not the best idea. Trading Babe Ruth to the Yankees? Not the best idea. Accepting an oral sex maneuver named "The Octopus" from a slutty Japanese girl? Not the best idea. Giving Sarah Silverman her own TV show? Not the best idea.

Me: It depends on the guy.

Girl 1: Huh? What do you mean?

Me: Well, some guys get harder and bigger, while other guys just get harder and the size doesn't change.

Girls: *in unison* Ohhhhhh I see.

Me: Okay, there. I've answered your question. Curiousity over, right? Now can you go back to talking about celebrity gossip or daisies or Hello Kitty or whatever shit you girls talk about?

Girl 2: I see...so some guys get bigger and harder, while some guys just get harder.

Girl 1: Hey Az, which are you?

Me: ....See, there's a question I am NEVER going to answer.

I may be stupid, but I'm not fundamentally retarded...

Chris Hansen: Allright Az, you're going to have to come with me. You're under arrest for inappropriate acts with a Japanese schoolgirl.

Me: What? I never...

Chris Hansen: Our brave young victim has come forth and is speaking out...

Girl 1: Hi Az!

Me: WTF! I never touched that bitch!

Girl 1: Sure you did. You touched me in all my special forbidden places, and then your penis got bigger and harder!

Chris Hansen: I've heard enough. Let's take this sicko away.

***
So Father, if you can find it in your heart to forgive me, I promise to never use the powers bestowed to my penis for evil again. I will only use it for the betterment of Japanese society, and to improve the quality of life for all humanity as a whole.

~From GaijinSmash.com