Cher Cher Le Femme

i love Napster. I love it. i love it so much. I finally found that song i wanted. Cher Chez Le Femme. By Dr. Buzzard's Savannah band. I love the song. It is so nice.

I think I managed to make a fool of myself last night. I also think I destroyed my managers opinion of me. See last night I went to work and i was really tired. I think I ate some candy to perk me up a bit. It worked but kept going for about three ours. And in that time i managed to jokingly curse at all my co-workers. Ask why most white people lack ass. And fall into a laughing spell that lasted about ten minutes. They really don't know what to make of me now. of course, I'm happy. You have no idea how hard it is to pretend to be quiet. Even though I am quiet and somewhat soft spoken. I think I destroyed that little act last night though.

Everyone should hear Chez Cher Le femme

then they should listen to Cher Chez Le Ghost

How I've Missed You

Oh I know why my head hurts. It's constipated. Yep, constipated. Build-up of thoughts, opinions, quiet rants and hell, poetry. I never thought I would do it but my failing grade in french inspired me to write a poem about thins guy in my college algebra class. That one sucks. Really bad. but i wrote another. I let someone laugh it.

uhh, there is a stink on my finger

Did you put here. Damn man

you stink. Not like your sister either

*sniff* like your mother, hell, maybe your grandmother

where are you goin'? You always do this shit to me

you come with your shiny crown of thorns and slap it on me

Why do you always leave. Am I actually that

bad. I try to be good. I know that you're good

We know that we're good but we know that we will never see that good.

You stink. you and your beliefs, you and all your grief, you with all your beauty, you. You put this stink on my finger.

Yep, Yep I know that probably sucks big. But i was inspired so It doesn't matter.

Spent

that's it. I don't think i have anything left to say. I know. It's really sad that I can put my finger on the point where i have nothing to say but I can. Nothing has come along lately that has been worth considering for more than a second. Nothing.

You know. I like the spice girls.

That. that is about as deep as i an think right now. i think its time to rejoin the human race and turn away from this faceless void that has absorbed soo much of my life already. But.

I went to olkd Navy with my mother and my sisters yesturday and bonded with a grey jacket, a pair of olive cargo pants and this shirt that looks like they ripped the skin of a shaggy dog. I bonded quite literally. i havge to go get my children back. soon.

I think the shirt had a crush on a hat but I don't wear hats. i'm arguing with myself about wether or not to allow them to go out.

I'll go join the world now. Of course I will return. Maybe tuesday.

Look

Let's face the truth. My only means of being at peace with God or my religion is to simply avoid the subject. Most times it works. I try to put out of my mind the "damnation" that religious people try to pour on my head. Recently though my sister says her eyes have been open to god. Now she is asking me all kinds of retarded questions bout what I believe in. The sad part is I really don't know. I put it so far out of my mind that I have never put it to any deep thought. Why? Because it hurts. The most religion i get a week is when I go to church and even then I try to go to sleep so that i don't leave feeling like shit. It never works. But

She wants answers. I want to be left alone. she wants to save my soul. But all I hear is that she wants to make me a bliind follower. Maybe its just me.

Rafiki Said,

Yeah I guess I've taken a long enough break from looking my thoughts square in the eye. You know that is the problem with this thing. It gives you to much of an opportunity to examine yourself. Drawing judgements of yourself and those around you should be in the disclaimer for open diary.

Anyway, I was sitting in church yesterday and was feeling really terrible. (no it was not the trapped gas) I guess I was on another one of the potato power trips. Anyway I kept asking myself why can't anyone see the dark rings around me. Yes, dark rings.

I was feeling evil. well its kinda hard to explain what I was thinking so I'll just try to tap into that space again and write it.

*drawing up the evil recces* LOL

Will no one hear my cries for blood. Can I one day acknowledge the fact that i OFTEN wonder what it would be like to crush some one's head beneath my feet. Maybe I'll lose control and do it one day. I'll just walk up to some unsuspecting fool and carry on a conversation like always then I'll reach out and without flinching slam their head into a wall. Maybe I'll record the sound it makes. *crunch* That would be fun. You know why I'm scared to have children. They learn. That's it, they learn. From the day a child is born until it is about 12 it learns everything. Children absorb everything. I have yet to meet a child who is actually oblivious to everything around them. They may not understand but they know its there. I don't want any child to absorb anything from me. I am NOT a role model. I pretty screwed. But I have been able to handle it. If a child were exposed to me there entire life I don't know if they would have the sense of mine to control the fucked-upedness of their mind.

I hate to lie. That is my biggest problem. Hiding myself from my parents and my friends has taken a huge toll on me. I don't lie because I want to. If I had something to gain besides peace I wouldn't mind lying sometimes. Actually i would. I don't like to lie. I've had to lie every since i WAS IN THE FOURTH GRADE. I know what the truth is but embracing it is a real problem. Maybe I'm just screwy but this thing about liking guys has been the root of my problems

I never wanted to play football because I was trying to suppress my desire. I never hung around guys because I was trying to fill my mind with images of girls only so that IO could be "normal"

I've done some horrible things in my life. Horrible things. Tyrone and Christina are about the only people who know more about me then my parents do but they still don't know the horrible sad details that I am so ashamed of. Maybe they'll never know. Maybe they shouldn't know.

Why does no one hear my though. I wonder what do people feel when I walk in the room. Do they feel a touch of "evil" or do they just feel normal and see that a big black guy with rid eyes just walked in the room. I like to think that I can feel people. You know like with auras.

I believe in that shit. Not so much as seeing it though. Even though I'm sure some people can. I just choose to feel it. I believe that you can strengthen your aura through meditation.....that is the source of potato power.

It is time, for me to go take my test.

Small Potatoes?

You know what I'm scared of? Let me tell you.

If someone were to hypnotize me and ask what have you been doing with your life I'm more than a little worried That I might say I've been trying to piss off God, but I'm starting to give up because I can't seem to do anything wrong enough to get a rise out of the bastard. Not saying he is a bastard but I'm just tired of waiting on some confirmation of his existence. Just a small miracle would be enough for me. Something like a drop of water falling from a blue sky. A warm breeze in the middle of a hospital. Something. Nothing to elegant. Elegance is the type of thing you expect to come from men. All I want is simple grace.

Then they would snap their fingers and I would be thrust back into my ho-hum life like nothing ever happened.

Tyrone says that from reading my diary he realizes that me, Christina and Lisa (distant relative and friend) are all small potatoes. He also grouped himself in that later on but still. I think that I have great, lavishes dreams and desires. My grand scheme is no smaller or potatoish then the next persons. I have will. I like to think that this whole period in the Junior college is nothing more than a way of making into a more powerful force. When I leave Moss Point I never want to return. I want to go into the world and scare the hell out of people. If that still makes me small potatoes then so be it. I'll be the small potato that sends you to the hospital choking. I'll be the small potato that a field of small potatoes grow from. I will be a force. who cares if it is a potato force.

Charming a Snake

Last entry i pretty much made it known that I did not plan to have sex with Trevis. My mother had managed to ruin my plans of going to mobile. This was all on friday during the day. Friday Night I went to work where I had to work with Tuan again. It is really weird being around him sometimes. He laughs way to much about silly stuff. Anyway after I got off work I went up to McDonald's and invited Kristina and Michael and Ryan (Kristina's boyfriend). I had to leave quickly though because Mike the manager on duty is an asshole and they were kind of busy. So I went home and ordered pizza. (yum) Later that night I went back up to McDonald's and lead the children back to my house. Somehow this guy named Scot managed to get grouped in with them but I didn't mind. Michael road with me (so happy) but he went on and on about his girlfriend (kill the bitch). Of course I just smiled and pretended to be interested while i tried desperately to turn up the radio. Well the McD kids came over walked around my house looked at my T.V. then left. somewhere before i went to get the McD kids Tyrone and Christina called from Mobile. I was just a wee bit shocked that he voluntarily called me. I fought my first reflex and decided to be nice and talk to him. I didn't know what to say so Christina proclaimed that something had to be wrong with me. So untrue. I was just fine I had just hit a silent spot. ******I thought Friday was rather uneventful but I guess it is a pretty good way to ease into Saturday.****** Saturday Day Saturday started off pretty dull. I woke up and walked around a bit. I took a movie back to work and waited desperately for about five o'clock. I was waiting on Christina to call me. And say Tommie I am here to save you from the silent Hell that you call home. Give me your hand and be led to the land of Chinese food. She never came. I started to starve to death. As my small intestine started the first battle of the day with my large intestine Trevis called. He wanted to come over and play on the Internet. He posted some silly add on Yahoo under my screen name. If you want to see it go to Yahoo and look up ORYH. Well he got through and we went to watch some t.v. in the den. For some odd reason he seemed to not be watching the Power puff girls like I was. He was staring at me with his legs spread apart and a little tent in his pants. You can probably guess what else happened so I'll just keep the details to dialogue only. ************************ Me: why are you not watching t.v.? Trevis: cause I'm looking at something else? Me:(thinking) Damn he's is going to try to make a whore of me. Doesn't he have a man? Me: Trevis I think I know what you want. Trevis: ........... Me: What about your boyfriend, Sergio? Trevis: What about him? He called Fernando last night. *****Fernando is Sergio's ex. trevis: Why he calling his ex? Me: I don't know. What do you want? Trevis: (trying to look sexy)................. Me:(thinking) Has he been reading my mind? Does he know how much I want sex? Damn what should I do? Should I let him make a whore of me one more time? Me: Dammit! Drop em' ************************* Why do I have no control? Maybe it is a guy thing. Anyway when we..err..he got through I felt really awkward. Do you know what he did? He called his boyfriend. I felt so cheap. I kept him to drop fifty on the table. By the way Christina did not call until a while after Trevis left. Tyrone called before she did though. I like talking to him. He is so nice to talk to. I miss that. later on Saturday night When Christina finally called me we agreed to watch a movie at my house. Me Christina and Tyrone. He agreed to it so the plan was set. Christina came up to blockbuster about 11:50. (I told her to be there at 11:45. she is so disobedient) We got a movie then but i didn't get off work until 1:30. so I had little magic sitting in the parking lot for about an hour in a half. I felt so bad. Anyway we picked up Tyrone and went to my house to watch perfect storm. It was alright but It could have been better. Anyway we laughed a good bit. i was having fun but Christina had to live. Tyrone stayed. I considered trying to put the moves on him but thought against it. anyway we finished watching the movie. And realized it was about 3 in the morning. i really did not want to take him home then so I offered to let him stay here. He said "whatever". So I told him he could sleep on the couch and then reluctantly told him he could sleep in my bed (with me). I so did not want that to sound like an invitation for sex. Apparently it did not. (sigh of relief) so we talked for a while and it ended up being about 4:45 before I decided I was getting in bed. He realized he couldn't sleep any more so i let him come in my room and play Resident Evil. I hate him. He makes that game seem so easy. He had like a thousand bullets five minutes into the game. (bastard0 anyway when five o'clock rolled around he tried to go to sleep on the couch. He said it was uncomfortable and suddenly showed up in my bed. Scared the hell out of me. (but it also made me happy. I always wanted him to be that close to me while we were going out) Anyway we fell asleep and that was the night. I took him home this morning and that is it. Now, Sunday morning I can't sleep and I'm can barely feel my fingers. I am soooo cold. But pleased for today.

And it Happens Again

I think I purposefully set my self up for things like this.

I decided not to go to Mobile because my mother is going to call from Jackson sometime tonight. I'm not really sure when but I know she will. If I'm not at home to get that phone call she will be really upset and start calling repeatedly. There goes a fun night with Christina.

Maybe. Maybe I can convince some people to come over. Not for a party or anything but you know just to have fun. That will probably never happen. I'm way to boring and timid to ask anyone to come over to my house.

I won't be having sex with Trevis any time soon. He has a boyfriend. Isn't that nice. He won't come over and try to screw me. I should have known this would happen. The minute I start to actually consider having sex with him he goes and gets a man.

You know I think I was using Trevis as a back-up plan. You know in time of severe drought you can always call Trevis. I'm so stupid. Maybe selfish. I need to get someone. Really bad.

Do you know that last night as I was talking to Trevis I made the statement that maybe i need to change a few things. He totally agreed. He gave me something of a list of things I need to do:

1. Go out more.

2. At least pretend to not be shy sometimes. (He claims that I tend to black out sometimes and totally disregard the people and the world around me. My reply, I can't help it if I hear music in here sometimes.)

3. He says i need to dress better....A lot better.

These are things that i already know. I dress terribly, I ignore people sometimes, I stay in way to much. But there only so much I can do with my parents being so close to me. That is probably just an excuse.

Anyway, Trevis told me some more news. It seems that Ryan is talking about our little escapade in Oklahoma. Someone asked why he and Trevis are no longer friends. He replied that it is because of something Trevis did on a church trip. I don't know what else he said, but I'm still going to talk to him. I'll try to reach him before Trevis tries to kill him. I'll try to remember that this is all here say but it will be hard.

I think I'm growing tired of playing ambassador for those two. I think I might have to drop the both of them for a little while at least. They give me way to much stress.

This whole badly, dressed ambassador thing i do is probably my own fault. I think I purposefully set myself up to be left all alone. All my friends are pairing off and I'm left here chilling, quietly in a corner. Maybe i can put some paint on it.

It Is Settled... Kinda

Well it is settled. My parents are going to Jackson Friday and will not return until late Sunday evening. What to do, what to do? Do I go to mobile and visit my friend Christina and have fun or do I stay here and call up Trevis and get some. Oh what do I do?

I really want sex. But I really need some fun. I guess I'll have to decide really quick.

Problem

The only problem with going to school on such a small campus is that the chances of you seeing someone you know are way to high. I see tons and tons of people I knew from high school like everyday. I don't like that. i pass up chances to flirt everyday. I guess I'm still afraid to have my name dragged down main street so all the neighbors can come out and throw rotten tomatoes at me, but i want to live. Maybe the only impossible dream for me is the one where I'm me and the neighbors and my parents love me for it.

I saw the most interesting movie the other day. "the edge of seventeen" Gay movie? Yes. Poorly written? Yes. Striking material? Yes. There was one seen of the movie where this guy came out to his mother. She hugs him and walks away saying she doesn't know how to handle this.

That is what I'm afraid of. I don't want to have to hear that. i can't hear that. I've worked very hard to be who i am now. i don't need a word from my mother to put me back in Junior high. All quiet scared to let anyone touch me. i don't need that again. I don't need to feel like shit...again. So I wait. i count the moments until i feel she has been prepare enough to handle it. With my father I'll just try to learn all that i can from Billy Blanks and hope Tae-Bo serves me well.

Anyway, a friend of mine, Tracy, we made a silly little bet that one of us would get this guy we work with to come to our house first. Well she won but she told Tuan(that is his name, pronounced Twon) about the bet. Well she says she told him we had a bet but not the exact basis of it.

At work last night he says I owe Tracy a thousand dollars. I'm like for what. He says cause she won the bet. I stopped and thought for a moment....what bet? When I realized i was kinda shocked but I managed to not show that. Just more like pleasant surprise. Anyway Tuan got off and came back to rent some movies. I messed up on the money a little bit and called the manager over. he fixed it and left. As I was giving Tuan his money back he says I know about you. I was shocked. I think my eyes gave that away.

I hate my eyes. If eyes are a window to the soul, will someone please help me pick out some curtains. He probably could tell how shocked, horrified, worried I was. If he knows about me I think it will be very hard working around him for a while. I did not want to bring this into my new job but maybe it is for the best. Maybe not.

Dammit who the hell does my eyes work for? I say look calm and cool they go showing worry. I think it is time to invest in some shades.

Help! I want to vote too.

I don't know where I put my damn Voting card. I soooo don't know what district I'm in. I don't know where the bloody polls are. How do I vote.I want to vote. I want to be heard. It's my first election. I don't want to miss it!

But, alas, It seems I will. i wonder can you just walk up and demand they take your vote. I just want to vote for Gore. He seems like a good man. Not saying being "good" or a "man" is any reason to vote for someone. because "bad" "women" are just as.....good....too? Anyway, I can't find that damn card, and I haven't a clue who I should call.

Could someone please give me a clue? I'm a registered voter but i don't know where. Please, help......

I'm Losing Control

I can't help myself anymore. My parents are going out of town Friday and I am so happy. I'm also nervous to. I don't trust myself. I feel that I might break down and take Trevis up on his offer. I just need some sex. I need strength. I have been dreaming about having sex with trevis. I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH TREVIS. but I might do it. I need to feel needed. Even if it is just for sex, but I really don't want to sell myself so cheaply. I can do without sex. But I just need to feel loved. (that sounds generic, but it is true.)

Jeremy

There was this guy that I was totally in love with last year. I had to share a couple of classes with him even though he was younger. He was so beautiful. He was smart, sexy, almost perfect. I loved to just look at him. His name was Jeremy. Doesn't that sound nice on your lips. Anyway I saw him again last Sunday and came close to slapping myself. How the hell could I have been in love with such a thin, stuck-up son of a bitch. I give you this. He is still cute, but I did not realize how thin he was. Maybe. Maybe i WAS JUST IN LOVE WITH THE IDEA OF HIM BEING GAY. I don't know. That seems to be the problem with me. I fall in love with the idea and not the fact. I like ideas. It is so easy to get a bundle of them together and blind yourself from the real world. Maybe that what they mean by looking at the world through rosy colored glasses. Maybe. I wish I had never seen Jeremy again. I enjoyed thinking about him but now i think I'll move him to a lesser file in my brain.

In This Moment

Last night after I came home from work and finished reading the latest issue of Men's Health I went to the bathroom and started to give birth. Halfway through the birthing ordeal I heard my father stumble out of his room coughing and vomiting.( my father has really bad acid reflux disease.) It sounded kind of bad. He was coughing and spitting, so I went to check on him. When I went around the corner he was naked. My first impulse was to go back around the corner and start gagging and ripping at my eyes, but I stayed there and asked if he was alright and if he wanted some water or something. He said no so I went back in my room and got to bed. Just then I was over come by a feeling of euphoria. Might be because I was just happy to get into bed. anyway, I started thinking about my father. I realized that I shouldn't hate him as much as I do sometimes, and I really should not dwell in the past. He made me do a few things that I never got over. (I'll explain those in a later entry. I assure you it is nothing perverted, just stupid.) Anyway, I thought he is just a person who has done his best to do "right" by me my entire life. In the moment that I saw him naked and coughing, spewing bile into a trash can, I realized he was just a person. He can feel vulnerable just like the rest of us. As much as I hate to admit it. I love my daddy.

Somehow that feeling got transferred to the world and I felt good.

**********************

(sorry but this must be said.)

damn that guy is sexy.

**********************

I felt completely good. All was well with the world, my world at that moment. why don't they make pills that give you that?

Sorry about the fine-guy break.

Twenty

I think I have found the solution to my problem. I need a man or a woman......a person, dammit. I am tired of being by myself. I'm able to handle being by myself but it is starting to get really old. I'm fed up, but I know why I can't seem to get anyone. I'm 18. That leaves my options for a relationship in high school. High school girls to be exact. Once again I'm 18. That leaves more options with males in their twenties. This I can handle. The problem is I don't like high school girls, and I'm trapped in this little dead end town of idiots. All the good gay men are not here. They are far away. I'm not sure where, but if I could get on a real college campus I might be able to locate a concentration of them. If I could do that I might be able to live a little more. Okay, I would live a looooooottttttttt more. Not saying I would be a freak but about three steps behind that. But, I'm here surrounded by the gay guys Iknow about who don't know about me. It's actually funny. Trevis goes out, like the Lycos dog, and gets the names of random people that I went to high school with who are gay and tells me. I hate to say it but sometimes I exploit him for the information he can give. I would never act on the information but it is still so nice to have it.

Maybe

I think I might be a little strange. While I was explaining my dream to Amanda and Gina I came to the conclusion that something must be wrong with me. I have never had an actual sex dream where I was getting some and enjoying it. Actually, as much as I like sex, I dread the actual act. The thought of giving that much of myself to some on seems horrifying. That might be weird. I don't know but I know i like sex. A lot. But I just don't want to do it that much. Maybe this is a sign. Some pleasures may not be right for me.

Maybe

Dreaming

Up until recently I was doing a good job of not thinking about Tyrone. We, Tyrone and myself, have a sort of history. We go back about three years now and from the moment I met him I have been crazy about him. I'm not sure if he always knew that, but I did.

Last night my friend Kristina came to blockbuster to visit me. Let me say now i was simply ecstatic.....well maybe more like pleased. I was very happy to see her. anyway she took me to get something to eat. she told me that she had just come from the hospital and her grandmother will probably die within a month.

She seems to be taking it well: far better than I would in a situation like that. I did not know how to comfort her or if I should even try. She eventually stated that she did not want to talk about it anymore. I'm still worried about her though. She is a very special girl.

Eventually she managed to get to the subject of Tyrone. She asked me if I really hated Tyrone.( You see Tyrone told me That he did not want to talk to me anymore. I guess I told her that I hated him now) Anyway i thought about it. I don't hate him. Never have never will. Sure he pisses me off whenever i get near him for to long but I think I love him. That is scary to me. I don't exactly like to do the love thing.

Anyway we stopped talking about that. Then she took me back to blockbuster and we talked in the parking lot for about forty-five minutes. Just like old times at McDonald's. Anyway we parted company and went home. Apparently Kristina's question's about Tyrone jarred loose a few bricks in the wall that I've built to deal with him. I had the most bizarre dream and he was at the center of it.

In the dream, I was standing in a big room talking on the phone. My little sister came in and told me that there was a guy at the door for me. Well I went to the door and no one was there. Then I heard someone call my name from my parents bedroom. I went in there and there he was. I told him I missed him and went to give him a hug. Just then my parents pulled up. I went out of their room thinking he would follow me but he did not. He hid under some pillows. I tried to bye him some time so he could go to my room without being seen. Then my father was talking to me and his stomach was pressing against my penis.( yes that is the weirdest part of the entire dream. ewwwww.) Well by the time my father stopped talking to me my mother had gone into her room an was making her bed up. Tyrone comes out from under the pillows and tries to make it out of the room. My mother starts screaming, "WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN HERE?" Then I try to walk him to the door and give him a hug before leaving and my mother sees us and starts screaming, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" (You see my family doesn't know about me. That is probably for the best right now anyway.) While I'm hugging Tyrone I think i had an orgasm. (that was funny)

Anyway, I don't enjoy dreaming about Tyrone. I love him but he has decided that he wants no part of me so I'm not going to beat myself up thinking about him.

by the way. Thank you Kristina.

College

I think it is safe to assume that I'm in hell. It is so difficult to get any information off the Internet. I just want to get out of Moss Point! Is that asking to much? No..... I know what the problem is. I must shoot higher. YES! I shall escape this prison. I shall boldly go into the world and take over all that I want everything that I have wanted I shall do my best to have. But the small things are easiest to do.

List of things to get during my world takeover:

1. One white cat and one black cat

2. Large gutted out old factory( preferably from the industrial revolution)

3. One Viper. Preferably Indigo colored.

4. All the money I see.

5. One large yacht. With parents on it. Circling Antarctica.

6. Chihuahua mixed(naturally)_ with a Great Dane. No genetic engineering. All natural. hehe

7. The original copy of Salvador Dali's "the tempting of St. Paul"

I think that will do it.

Wait.

8. One fine ass boyfriend

9. One fine ass girlfriend.

That should do for now.

I Love This

This is so much fun. Who knew that having a child scream things at you from some far off place could be so amusing. Wow. I wish this would never stop. It is so funny. Shot~2~hell. You have truly made my day...week for that matter. Thank you you're sweet.

*********************************************************

By the way kids. I've been thinking the title of my diary kind of sucks. It would be nice if someone( who isn't hateful or upset) would give me some suggestions.

Then I'll probably start pretending you, the world, doesn't exist.

Ashamed

I did a bad thing. I allow myself to be taken over by my emotions.

I stooped to the level of a thirteen year old.

I feel bad. I refuse to ever let that happen again. I am going to let myself be angered like that again. So sad.

Annoyed

Why do some people always feel the need to stand on a soap box and declare how much they don't like stuff? You know the worst is when they get upset about criticism. How can you be upset when you put your thoughts or whatever in a public forum? You put all your crap on display and then get upset when someone casually points out a pattern.

This has been the case with a certain individual. I told him that his diary was basically a " I hate this and that list". I did not just sit down and look one time and see that. This guy whines like a fucking baby. It is really annoying. He then took it upon himself to try to call me out like I would be hurt by that. Then some little heifer backed him up by calling me a fascist.( I can't help it if I know what is best for the world. LOL) I can't say I'm upset. But you have to expect opinions to be thrown back at you when you throw yours.

but you should probably see this diary for yourself.

it is called: welcome to my hell by: Shot~2~Hell

Go take a look. Tell him what you think. Be "nice