july 30, 2006

Now that I think about it the really chill painter guy that used to come on pbs was fucking awesome. Sure his voice had a certain melody that could easily lull the most ADD cursed child and his should have been registered as a crime against humanity or at least good taste. The man was a freaking genius. I know nothing of true art, but I do no that making a picture appear in 45 minutes with cameras rolling and giving full narration must have been incredibly difficult. I don’t think I could do anything requiring a personal touch in 45 minutes.
How’s that for random.
I honestly don’t know why I’m writing. I guess in some ways I might just be a little bored… restless… hungry? I’m definitely getting back into the old swing of things here in Japan. I live in Nagoya now. I have an apartment. I recently bought a refrigerator and I am awaiting the day that I get paid. Sounds just like me before doesn’t it. Of course some things are different. I work for a different company doing basically the same job. I still find my coworkers attractive (curse the stupid bitch who thinks that wrong!) but now I don’t really bother with the tedious task of learning my coworkers names. Doesn’t matter how cute they are. This job has me bouncing all over the Aichi and Mie prefectures. This last week has had me reintroducing myself to a new group of people every day. If they can’t stay he same I see no point in memorizing their names. That’s silly isn’t it. I don’t care.
I’ve not been eating normally lately. At university I was famous for declaring ramen to not be a meal, but lately I find that I eat it, and often times nothing else, everyday. It goes without saying that I’m losing a great deal of weight. I just wonder how much longer I can keep this up. This doesn’t seem like a very healthy way to live. If I could substitute the ramen with something that I heavier in more nutrients than sodium I would be very happy. But for now my budget only makes room for ramen.
I will hopefully be starting judo soon. I figure that I have an unfathomable amount of anger and tension still built up in me, you can only drown so much in alcohol, that judo might be a good outlet for me. Sure I don’t really like being thrown around, but knowing that I can eventually throw someone too makes me very happy and willing to accept the pain. I may join a gym too. I would like to see how far proper exercise can take my new weight lose. My “skinny boy pants” are fitting me now. I don’t exactly feel cute in them, but I’m still happy that I can get the evil bitches on.
Recently I was made aware that a legend has been growing back home. My friends back at university have discovered that I lost my job and for some reason think that I have gone crying to Florida, the land of heat, humidity, and hurricanes. They are making me think of writing a story for the Int’l literary magazine here. They gave me a title. The Knight’s Legend. I think it would make an excellent story. Of course I know that almost all good stories don’t begin with a catchy title, but I would like to think that just this one time the laws of sense and sensibility would look the other way and let this story take wing. Even as I type this entry… this letter almost to an audience that I know is not there I can feel the wheels in the back of my head straining to break free of the vines and roots that have certainly taken root in their workings. I think I will write a story… a good one. I think that I have finally lived through a bout of shit so severe that it needs to be written about.
The Knight’s Tale will begin shortly.

i`m pissed

I`ve gone through the trouble recently of making two fucking entries on my computer. I lack the internet on my computer so i saved the magical things to my fucking flash drive. 　I walk down a hot sweaty ass street to a bloody internet cafe hoping that i`ll be able to load my entries to the net, but no. These evil hussies lack the proper software to read my freaking files. so i am checking my email on a computer that seems bound by some kinda sacred oath to freeze up completely any time i touch. 315 yen down the drain.

i have been living in conditions that would drive my mother to take an offering up at church for me.... to me its not that bad but if i relayed some of the details of what i have been doing she might freak a little. and i like her calm and willing to have philisophical debtes with me. oh yes. recently my mother and i have engaged in some very profound debates that for all my supposed debating skills are always dragged back to some religious picture. my mom is very religious i am not. I .llike her though. we seldom agree completly but i love to hear her opinions and i am sure she likes mine. i am working on a story. maybe i will post the a portion of it here. .........i had more to say. i have said most of it. in my other entires but they are trapped. grrrrrr

Today I'll Say

I don't write enough anymore. I think my ability to write at any random moment is tied into my ability to communicate with others. If i can get a word out to one of my friends, be it through the internet, telephone, or in person, I find that I won't have anything to write.

These things, online journals and blogs, are just places where I sound off. Places where i can pretend that i am standing in crowded room and giving a crappy lecture on the state of my life. In truth no one cares. At least I thought no one cared until my company, may they suddenly go bankrupt, went searching across the net for blogs by their workers.

I realize now that I bear a large bit of animosity towards the company. I know I said this before, but they took my kids from me. That is what I miss most about the job. I'm gay. It has taken me years to accept that and sometimes I find that I still have a considerable amount of fight left in me. So much so that I'll find myself toying with the idea of just surpressing myself and getting a family and being "normal." Sometimes I even find myself eying women who I think might fit into my planned normalcy. Occasionally I even begin to work torwards making my lan work. I approach the woman with my truly dreadful "D" game. I don't really have that much experience when it comes to enticing women and it shows whenever i approach one.

I never really push my little plans because i know that it would not be fair to the woman. A life built on only giving a portion of yourself to a person can't be right.

Wow. I'm way off point. What I was trying to say is that I may never have children and the company inall of their benovolence has taken my children from me. I know that they were not really my children, but for a brief, very brief time every day they were mine. Their parents trusted them to me for a short time and I was always so happy because of that. But now that is gone. Fuck the Company. Company A can kiss my ass.

The guy who fired me says that he was shocked at what he read and angry. I couldn't really get a real reply going because he just appeared out of the blue. Like realy out of the blue. At the end of the busiest day of the week for us he just appeared on the street dragging a large suitcase and looking extremely sweaty and flushed. Then he requests that I join him in a classroom and begins to reveal the case against me that the company has been building against me.

Honestly, I believe that he played a large role in firing me. he declared himself the head of the north-american teacher recruitment branch or some shit, so i'm certain that at some point the option to fire me or not was placed in his hands, and i believe that because of whatever personal convictions he holds he felt that simply calling me or emailing me about the content on the blog was not a reasonable course of action... maybe he felt that i betrayed the company or something for picking a semi public forum as the place where i let my thoughts fly... fuck him. fuck the company. I haven't been as pissed about this as I should be.

I've been obssessing myself with finding a fucking joband i'm tired now. The mutherfucker laughed at my fucking blog after he checked to see if I took the pictures of the kids down. You know I proabably would have been fine if he had not laughed. That shows that he does get the point that the blog is for fun only. nine out of ten things that i say on my blog never ever make it past my lips.

I hate the fucking company. I would name them here but for some reason I think they might still be looking at my fucking blog and if they are those bitches can kiss my ass. The guy who fired me suggested on behalf of the company that i just go home so i can "get some space on this." What the fuck is there to get space on. They tried to fuck my life up a bit. They did too. They conviced me to come accross the fucking ocean to a place where i don't speak the fucking language and at the first fucking sign of a problem they cut me loose. They didn't apporoach me and disclose what they thought the problem was. Oh no. That would have been too close to right. They just moved in to save their fucking face. You know the bitches had to actually search, do a special blog search, to find my blog. Bitches. The guy kept saying that he was only trying to protect the children.

That is the part that bothered me the most. It was like he was calling me some type of child molester or something. "I draw the line when it comes to kids." What the fuck was I gonna do to the kids, besides worry that they play too rough with each other, or be frightened that in a moment of excitement that moist booger perched just inside the entrance to their nose will fly out and hit me in the face, or worse yet ask them simple questions about the clubs they are in or ask them about their homework or something. Why the fuck would I want to hurt those kids? They were my fucking kids. The first group of kids that I could actually call mine and those sorry bitches just came in and brushed me away. One of my coworkers called me the other day and said that they still don't have a replacement teacher. They just had to spread my classes between the teachers there and hope for the best. He said the kids are asking about me. I'm trying to keep myself from asking about them. Cause it makes me angry to know that i can't be there to ask them myself.

I miss my kids so much.

It has been awhile. Almost a month since I sat down to write a real entry. I haven't had the time. I've been busy with work... and all that jazz. But, *sigh* , not anymore. I've been fired. Let go. Canned.

Why you ask. Because of my blog. I put some pictures of the kids up last week and of course had the things that I think about my coworkers here. My bosses found them and now I'm fired. With no warning, no bloody phone call. No nothing. I believe I have been made into a martyr. BITCHES.

I don't care though. Actually I do care. I put simply to much work into coming to this fucking country to be like "Oh shit. I'm fired. Well I guess I'll go home." That is what my ex-employer would like for me to do. I can't do that. I can't go back home. Before i came here the guy who recruited me would always say that taking this job was a big decision... something that you shouldn't take lightly. Well just cuz I got fired doesn't mean I'm gonna tuck my tail and run back to butt-fuck Mississippi. I can't do that. I'm gonna try here in Japan. That was my decision when I first came here. To make myself successful here and then go home. no amount of setbacks is gonna stop me from that.

Besides. It would hurt even more to go back. I really like what I do here. I like teaching English. I like kids. Its best for me. One thing that made me sad though was the simple fact that I lost my kids. When they fired me they took me children. I'm gay. That's a given. There is a chance that I may never have kids... ever. That should be a given too. Losing this job hurt most because I was worried about how the kids would take it. All of the time I put into them will seem wasted. Some of the kids will really miss me.

I had one kid who had started to give me hugs in class. Real hugs. Little kid hugs. Those are special. Little kids will hug anything if they're not afraid of it. That little kid giving me a hug made my day. He made my week, but now some bastard is gonna be getting my hugs... it just ain't right.

Anyway. I've started searching for jobs. I'm in crisis mode. I have two weeks until i send myself back to the states. I have to find a job to prevent that.

the world has become a series of lighted wires that sucks the life away from those connected.

solution?

there is none. One may find solace in paper but even then the wires will find you.

i have been fired.

rest easy world. rest easy.

Hey Tommie! Happy Birthday to you! You are now 24 and it's time to start conductung yourself as an old man. Oh wait, you already do that. Well, keep doin it then. Anyways, since I can't give you a cake...I have a pic of one here to share with you...



This isn't the one you wanted? Wow, what a mistake. Oh well..happy b-day anyways!

Another rushed entry

when oh when will I get the internet in my apartment? Earlier this week I was advised that the library has free internet. So here I am.... typing... as quick as my little (giant to most japanese people) fingers can manage. I have exactly fifty minutes to play on the computer. Wait! Only forty-five. You see there is a timer ticking away on teh screen. This library is high tech. At any rate, come hell or high water this computer will shut down when my time is up. Lucky me.

anyway I`m trying to use this little bit of time as best I can. I`m not allowed to send email but I can do other things like try to better coordinate my personal initiative to pay bills.

I should give a quick update shouldn`t I. Um, I recently got paid. My paycheck wasn`t shit. I mean really nothing. I had like a cajillion deductions. This was my first paycheck so I had to pay 2 and a half months of rent, electricity, local tax and something else that I forget now. The point is that I will be trying to stretch my little rice rations slightly farther in the coming days.

hmmm. Here is a new one. My job is making me sick. Like really sick. I have had a child-induced cold for the last week. I`m just a little tired of seeing little clouds of germs rushing me... The kids are still cute though. So you can`t be to mad. I`ll try to sleep more and eat some fruit. y`know viatamin c and shit.

I finally got a cell phone, but only one person not in Japan has called me. Thank you Rasha. I officially feel important. Everyone else... $&%&%$&#%$#%#%#$%#%#$%#%"#!$'&'(( Call me dammit!!!!!

To put my phone number here or not to put my phone number here... that is the question.
if you want to calll me leave a note on the blog. I`ll drop you dem dere digits.



twenty minutes left. What can I add. Well hell. I was gonna try to load some pictures on here, but this fucking high tech library has locked, and I do mean physically locked the A: drive and both front facing usb ports. Bitches.

Oh shit this very creapy old man just walked up to my computer and stared at me. Not the stare of someone who is just curious. oh no. this was the wobbly I might be drunk and/or crazy at noon stare. I`ve grown very accustomed to the "OOOooooo, Big Gaijin" stare. I get it everywhere. Last night this guy stopped and shouted something like Sekiyara at me. My friend said it meant I was big. I thought it meant I`m drunk because that guy had definetly downed his weight in liquor.

These rushed entries are long.

How`s this for wrong. Today I am making spaghetti with tofu.