Cold and Crazy

I believe in coincidences. Actually i think they believe in me, but that is another story. Today, coincidentally, is cold. So cold in fact that I can't seem to will myself out of my bed. normally lying in bed all day would be a good thing. Well not really. I hate lying in bed. Luckily, I don't do it often because there is always a reason to drag myself out of bed. Not today though. Most of my friends are on vacation, with there now ex-significant others, or simply working their lives away. I fall into the on vacation group. But on vacation in my apartment, which i haven't left for more than 30 minutes in 5 days. I'm lonely. Maybe more bored than lonely.


I think I might be going a little crazy. I just realized that i was taking this whole winter being cold thing like a crazy girlfriend or something. I mean like "How dare he have to go check on his sick mother!!!"

Not a good example. It is just fucking cold. And my apartment is cold. And my heater is playing fucking games with me. And I'm angry and lonely cuz my fucking christmas gift isn't here yet. And I just keep thinking that maybe I was bad this year. and i know that is nonsense. Christmas doesn't work that way... or does it.

I think the reason that i feel so lonely is because all my friends are busy. You know the mail man barely brings me anything now. Like the post office in the states is lookiung for my fucking gift and they are supposed to be doing the same with the japanese post but it seems like the post office is just shunning me. I check my mail like 8 times a day. really 8 times. AND THERE IS NEVER ANYTHING THERE! not even bills. Is this how I'm suppose to end my year? Alone. Not wanting to drink by myself because that will only accentuate the crappiness of my life.

I need to talk to someone. but all the people i bitch to are either doing there thing on vacation or in the US. why is it so cold?

55 pounds and 3 ounces. That is how much my mother's box that she sent me weighed. But it isn't here. She mailed on december 7. Where is my shit? Where is the box that says we haven't forgot you? Oh god I think i'm going crazy.


Do I miss my boyfriend? He said I wouldn't, but I don't know. Is our relationship stalled? I want to know more about him but I don't know what to ask. am I a good boyfriend? I feel like I'm not doing a good job. Like I need to do something else but I don't know what. Like my mind is a blank. I don't think i really no what to do any more. He seems so happy. and i feel so peaceful when i'm with him. Like my mind is clear and easy. We seem to only have sex though
we have to do something together. I've been thinking about breaking it off, but i think i should put more effort in. I sound like i'm trying to save a marriage..... why is that?

So fucking cold.

I'm supposed to be teaching myself hiragana and jogging, but i'm too scatter brained for one and too fat for the other. i'm also supposed to be reading a book, Satanic Verses, but it is being blocked by the scatter brained thing.

I should take some pictures. With my real camera. The digital camera is nice but I think I just like the refreshing hard click of my film camera. CLICK!


It is like sex. Over in a moment but so satisfying

Is my boyfriend even thinking about me. I haven't sent him an email so I suck. But I have thought about him everyday. Thinking doesn't count for much does it. It should... it doesn't. I think I miss him.

I'm crazy today.

This trip home for him was important though he had lots of things to do. So if he doesn't think about me its ok. Is it?

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!

So cold....