I am a creature of after thought . A few events in my life pass easily, but most come, go, and leave me wondering. This breakup went well. No crying, no screaming, and a slight getting off of the chest, but then why am I unsatisfied. I've seen this coming for no less than three weeks, but I just couldn't bring myself to bring it to an end.

Am I weak? Probably. Afraid of being alone? Without a doubt. A bad person? Some would argue yes. But I think this goes a little deeper than that.

Japan is a small country that specializes in packing a lot of people into incredibly small spaces. In the larger cities there are people who's only job is to shove people into the subway trains. You would think that with all this apparent closeness Japan would be an incredibly social society. You would be wrong. In this society where people spend hour upon hour bumping shoulders with strangers and you can often walk down a street and see families huddled together eating dinner around a small you table people are incredibly distant.

I think this is a problem of Japan and to some extent the world (as I know it). People are really distant. We are all aware of it and on some level disatisfied with it. That is why we seek out relationship. To put an end to the distance that exist between us and the world. We seek out a person that we can open up to completley. A person with which we can look across the distance to other people with. (halelujah)

That is why I couldn't break it off with Robert. I had to know if I had found that person. I didn't. Maybe from what he says he was distancing himself from purposefully. In effect he was hiding himself from me. He distanced himself to make me not like him... to not like the him he was projecting.

A charicature for me to deal with. Is this common? Does it happen everyday? Do we all have a charicature an ideal self that we send out to other people. I do . My ideal self is snappy, intelligent, funny, and above all fun. This person is my ambassador. I send him out to deal with life and report back to me the things that I should know.

This person isn't real. Our ideal selves never are. But then if all we see is each other's ideal selves how do we know if we ever reach a real person. When do we know if the ideal steps aside for the real?

How do we reach the real people?