When I woke up this morning it was snowing. It is probably the first noticeable snow of the year in Nagoya and I for some reason am not excited. Well not just for some unknown reason. I know the reason and I guess it keeps me from viewing the snow with the same amount of excitement that I would have had back in the States. (When did it become the States to me.)

It feels like somehing is burning in the distance. That is what I think of when I see the snow.... ash in the wind. I don't think this thing with James is gonna work. In the almost 2 weeks he was gone to the U.S. he only contacted me once... through myspace after I put a small message wishing him a happy christmas and new year. I'm angry about it but I don't know how to or if I should say it. He says that for most of his vacation he didn't have access to a computer, but in my mind I just wonder why he didn't just give me a 30 second phone call. Are phones taboo at the beach?


Before he left he said I wouldn't miss him, but I could help but think about him every day. Not always with love in my heart. I missed him.

I want to know what he thinks of this relaionship. Like where is it going. Is it going anywhere? His contract is up in April and I know he isn't going to renew. Should I continue to put myself into this relationship.



I called my older sister last night. She knows that i'm gay, and generaly accepts that I will only talk to her about something if it is really bothering me. I told her about the contact thing and the contract thing and she says I shouldn't let him just treat me any old way. But I don't feel like he is just treatiing me anyway. Truthfully I don't want to be alone again.

Only a month ago I was saying his name with a big smile on my face and now I'm thinking about trying to drink him out of my mind.