Am I Lame?/Stay away from monkeys.

First and foremost giving honor to God. I just want to say that should anyone actually answer that rhetorical question they will burst into flames and if for some reasons you manage to live through that first signal flare rest assured that I will be waiting for you in the parking lot after your burns heal.

Anyway, I have endeavored the fine, lonely Saturday evening to drink an entire bottle of wine. Alone.

That statement alone is grounds for a clear declaration of lameness, but, as Semisweet and Peanut already know, it can get so much worse.

I recently had sex with a girl. I know. I know. It sounds like some kind of horrible joke, and normally it would be. But here I stand... sit before you testifying that it is the truth. I'm still gay. Don't get it twisted, but I just want to go on the record as saying that 5 beers and a homely white girl can make any man slip outside of himself for a moment.

Yes it started with alcohol, and, yes, I am drinking alcohol right now. This time though I am alone. Which makes me drinking seem like supremely sad. But that is a subject for another day.

It was a Thursday. It started out like any other. She, that Jezebel, and I made our mad dash for the train like always. We had as of late grown incredibly comfortable in each other's presence. I often would strip down to my underwear with her in the room. I was changing clothes and she was a girl. I mean I never thought about what could happen.

Well on Thursday we ended our shift at work around the same time and rode back to the city together. We stopped on our way home at this nice little chicken place called Yama-chan. Yama-chan is a fucking Nagoya tradition. The bitches specialize in some spicy ass chicken wings. (just makes me clap insanely inside.) Those fucking wings were good. Even though with my food selection, as I've been doing lately, was a wee bit healthier than hers. I opted for for spicy bean sprouts and a dish of yaki-udon while she, that Succubus, got deep fried chicken and some other thing that I couldn't bear to watch her eat.

It sounds like she disgust me doesn't it. Well at the time she didn't, but post her forcing herself on me.... I just don't know. The world seems different. Every woman seems like a predator. A filthy stinky wanting only to suck your soul in predator. But I digress.

While eating our meals I decided to start sucking away on my beer. I occasionally get a little alcohol. This wine I'm drinking now was a gift. A birthday present from Jun and Tetsuo. (If you don't know Tetsuo go to my Flickr page and look at him. I honestly don't have to much info on him myself. I only met him at my birthday party.) It is really shitty wine too. When people drink wine on TV they look like they are lost in the arms of passion. I'm just struggling to get this bitter shit to stay down. Why drink it you ask?

For the feeling. Why do anything if not for the feeling? Anything done after drinking alcohol counts as futile action because your senses are dulled. So you can't enjoy the feeling. Which is exactly what happened when I was attacked. I was dull and not of my right mind.

She kept me up for hours. Talking about nothing. Her lame and slightly suspect opinions of organized religion, her inability to be in control of her emotions or, while we're on it, herself. I don't count that as a problem. I've told her that. Every thing that she does is the result of a conscious decision by her. no ball rolls in your life unless you push it. That is how I feel. She is constantly rolling balls left and right and calling them crushes. "Oh, I think he is so cute. his collarbones just turn me on." Yes, collarbones. Oi!

After hours of her talking about nonsense the conversation drifted, as is the way of any conversation involving a drunk man, towards the topic of sex. She knows I am gay and we talked about it. Positions I like. Positions she should try. Naturally I got a little hot. I can't imagine dick flying around me without my body believing it to be true. I was horny and it showed. Then the conversation took a turn that I don't really remember well enough to follow.

She said something about needing dick and then I said I would dick her for a fee and she was like I'm not paying and I was like well since you're a friend I'll give you the first hit for free and then she was like OK.

The next thing I know I have a condom on and she is rubbing lube on my dick because I am apparently bigger than what she is used to. Then she guided me in and I felt nothing. Actually I felt intense warmth, but nothing else.
The bulb.
The Explosion.
The Moment of Intense Clarity.
Nirvana.
God.
I saw none of these things. Instead all I saw was a girl who I like only as a friend and not even a really close friend groaning because my dick was buried deep in her. As I thrust ( you are supposed to do that, right?) into her the alcohol haze in my head cleared a bit and I thought, with a giggle, that this child does not possess that ability that some people suggest women have. The power to turn a gay man straight. To make me realize the errors of wanting dick.

"All you need is to find the right woman to put it ON YAH!"

I guess she, that girl from Ring, is not one of those "right" women.

After fully realizing what I was in the process of doing my erection wilted. Rather quickly and we called the thing off. We have both declared it a one time only occasion. I think I was a bad lay. At any rate I think that my little run in with pussy has made me more than a little certain that I am gay. So gay. So gay that even being buried in pussy I could not feel happy. I couldn't even visualize a hot guy.

I was so repulsed. I'm not saying women are disgusting. I'm just saying I don't want their disgusting vagina on me. I was so weirded out by the whole thing that I slowly in a way that would not hurt her, that Aphrodite wannabe, or make her feel that she was the disgusting one. I actually think she may have been. My dick was itchy like immediately afterward. So the shower was a bit of an imperative.



Damn blog writing sure makes it hard to drink at a proper rate. I'm gonna go finish this bottle.

Stay away from those monkeys.