The Words Flow Easily At Night Pt. 2

You know, perhaps you don't know, I am the type of person who looks for incredibly profound meaning in the most mundane speech. I don't know if it is because of my studies in English Literature at university or because of my somewhat intense religious upbringing, but I find myself jotting down things people say, taking mental note of the "miracle" of light in a dark room, or just some other plain thing. Like I want to take pictures or dictate my thoughts all the time and then mull over them for gold.

I guess I feel that one day I will stumble across that meaning. I'll stomp, with leaden boots, into profound understanding, and then with a shopping cart full of toilet paper, toothpaste, sliced turkey, lube, and the newest golf game stroll out of Wal-Mart into a life that will not care that my lead boots have been changed to gold in the streams of Nirvana.

Is that a sad thought?

Let me get to the point. I have been hearing the same question repeatedly. Usually in a teasing way or in reference to sex, "What are you looking for?"

As far as questions go its crazy profound. Well to me it is. I have more than once been thrust in a puddle (I'm really simple.) of deep thinking about my future when all that was required was a reply of, "ashi san-ju ni." (That means foot size 32. Well as best as my non-Japanese speaking mind can muster. Shoe salesmen get it and then look horrified and start shaking their heads.)

Every time some asks, "what are you looking for?" my week or day is ruined, because I don't know. I don't think I've ever known and that is what is truly disturbing. I've never had a fucking clue about what I want to be doing or simply am doing. I mean I know, but I don't know why. What is my fucking motivation?

I've been sliding along by the seat of my pants for years and I know that at some point I will have to stand up and walk... somewhere.

My PSP just finished charging.

Maybe I'm working myself up over nothing but sometimes I worry that I can't help myself.