I had a pretty interesting conversation with a student the other day. She was a pretty high level student and somehow we managed to dance our way from her insanely inspiring organization techniques (she has the last 11 years scheduled down to the hour) to why she simply cannot understand gays. I actually am responsible for steering the conversation there. You see I have a deep subconscious need to talk to someone other than my friends about gay issues. A new voice you could say. I would love to talk with a sensible (not trying to get some booty) older Japanese man or if there is no other option available woman.

So the conversation was there. I had just suggested that she watch Brokeback Mountain, Beautiful Boxer, and proven my knowledge about Boys Don't Cry. After laughing hysterically at the concept of gay cowboys she suddenly blurted, actually this woman never blurts. Anything she says is careful and thought out without seeming that way. She said in a strong voice that she doesn't really understand gays. Well she understands lesbians, but men she doesn't get.

I was tongue tied at that point. I wanted to say so many things, but to start that conversation I would had to have been like I'm gay. She may have actually already picked that up. She is a very smart woman. While I was stammering for a response she mentioned that when she was younger she wanted to be a boy because she finds girly roles to be stupid. We then talked briefly about the lameness of Japanese girls and then time was finally up. I all but sprinted out of the classroom.

"Me Gay" was like doing that dancing baby on the tip of my tongue. But I couldn't say anything.

My life seems to be full of fear when it comes to expressing myself as gay. Like with my family. I am planning to go home in August to visit my family, and I keep telling myself the the main reasons I'm going home to go shopping and to see my family, but I know the real reason is that i want to give them a clue or at least knock them out of the denial that they are possibly in. Every time I admit that I start finding reasons to not do it like the simple fact that my parents are nutty and need to get a fucking divorce.

I'm gonna tell them. FEAR WILL NOT RULE MY LIFE!!!